Bastards of Horror

Gross Movie Reviews #200

By Tim Gross

Clash of the Titans (DVD/remake) – An awesome never meant to be B-movie classic remade for audiences of today with huge sets and CGI. Usually I pan these types of films but this one wasn’t too bad and I actually enjoyed the film as it didn’t go too far away from the original. I give it 2 stars. You can’t beat ancient witches, Medusa’s head, swords, demons, etc?

Jason Gets Fired (DVD-R) – A short fan film about Jason working with the common folk and gets fired by his boss and is haunted by his boss the same way his mother haunts him in F13 Part 2. A funny short film for any Jason film fan and can be found at www.myspace.com/zomular . I give at 2 stars.

Styling Products (DVD-R) – It is exactly what you think in this short film that a man is driven mad by his overuse of styling products. A little boring at first but does have a great ending to it. I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.myspace.com/zomular .

Good Guys Where Black (DVD) – Chuck Norris in his prime in the late seventies who has decided to look into why his buddies have been killed off one by one recently. All of them were apart of a top secret military force called the ‘black tigers’ and were screwed over on their last mission during the end of the Vietnam War. This movie also one of the best kill scenes of an action flick as Chuck Norris jumps through a front windshield of a car to superkick a man who was trying to kill him! It was cinematic history! Excellent film as I give it 3 stars.

Bray Road (DVD) – A short horror film that is a simple story of it seems to be, isn’t… A teenager is being chased through the woods by a big, ugly, pig fucker kinda of dude and captured, meanwhile a man is looking for his little girl with the help of a friend and soon find the teenager with torn clothes and bloody? With a little more money this short film could be that much better as I enjoyed the tone, how it was shot, and the look of it. I give it 2 ½ stars and kudos to filmmaker Chris Nicholson.

Blood Red Planet (DVD) – Jon McBride and the Polonia Brothers are at it again with this underground sci-fi film from 2000 where an alien force threatens earth and the only man to stop it is Jon McBride doing his best Tom Skerritt impersonation from the film “Alien”. The movie is down right horrible and makes their features “Feeders and Feeders 2” look awesome but any kind of McBride fan or Polonia brother fan will seek out this film just to watch it for McBride looking like Tom Skerritt. I give it 1 star. Film can be found on DVD at www.bcieclipse.com .

Necessary Evil (DVD) – Honestly, first off is there an ‘unnecessary evil’? Who in the fuck comes up with a title like that? But with Lance Henriksen starring as an evil scientist looking for the ‘Fountain of Youth’ do you really care…? Plus, don’t forget Danny Trejo as Lance’s bodyguard throughout the film. But when a journalist and a tough cop begin to look into Lance’s experiments over the years his work is threaten and tries to kill them before they kill off his project. Your usual direct-to-DVD film that stars Lance Henriksen with not much thought or plot that hopes to cash in on names more than it being about substance. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Piranha (DVD) – One of Corman’s and Dante’s greatest films of time from 1978 gets special treatment from Shout Factory. New extras and a good commentary from the last release in 1999, make this killer classic a worthwhile DVD to own. A ‘Jaws-rip-off’ starring the likes of Barbara Steele, Dick Miller, and Paul Bartel with experimental killer fish that have been accidentally drained into the river make for one of the best horror films that you watch again and again. Many films get repeated but very few do it with success like this Corman/Dante classic! I give it 4 stars. Now when do we get the special treatment for part 2 ‘The Spawning’?

I Sell the Dead (DVD) – An awesome horror film that stars Dominic Monaghan as a grave robber who is accused of murder and is about to be beheaded but not before he tells his story to the local priest played by genre legend Ron Perlman. Dominic’s story begins with his mother sending him along with another grave robber who works for a strange doctor played by Angus Scrimm who needs dead bodies for his experiments. Soon they find a way to get away from Angus’s character and begin to start making the real money stealing and selling the dead. A lesser known horror film with a surprisingly funny story all about grave robbing. I give it 3 stars. 

The Nun (DVD) – A creepy horror film about a girl now grown up that has nightmares about what happen at a boarding school 17 years ago in Spain. Soon a mysterious nun ghost kills off her and her friends the way the saints were killed and it’s up to the daughter to stop the madness. A cool and creepy film that falls short in the end. Come on people (spoiler alert) what ever happen to just having a nun kill people for the hell of it? I give it 2 stars.

Machete (Theater) – A beautiful mix of violence, sexuality, more violence, and Steven Seagal… The fake trailer from the “Grindhouse” film from a few years ago finally comes to life in this full feature of awesomeness!!! Danny Trejo plays a character named ‘Machete’ who was an ‘el federale’ who brings justice to those who are corrupt and evil for the honor of it and is wronged three years ago when his wife and daughter are killed by the legendary Steven Seagal who plays a druglord trying to control the US/Mexico border. Now, ‘Machete’ looking for work with the rest of the day labor is hired by Jeff Fahey to kill a Texas Senator but is double crossed by Fahey’s henchman and ‘Machete’ wants revenge! Lots of beheadings, hands being cut off, and Lindsey Lohan (hoping it isn’t a body double) being naked are all just a small part of this awesome exploitation film that would have been celebrated at drive-ins and seedy theaters of New York City in the 70s, but will have to settle by being celebrated by horror movie and exploitation film geeks like myself. Robert Rodriguez did a perfect job of putting this awesometatsic action film together and making Danny Trejo an action star! “Machete” is the film that will kick modern day action films in the balls and bang their wives from behind! The film is fun, bloody, and something you will never forget as long as you live… I give it 4 stars.

Once again horror fans it’s almost that time of the year again… Horror Realm, the horror convention that is right in my own backyard in Pittsburgh, Pa., September 17^th-19^th, 2010! Basket Case reunion!!! Chilly Billy! And I will be there… So come on out and support a great horror movie convention. For more details please check out www.horrorrealmcon.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReviews@comcast.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy my book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Gross Movie Reviews #199

By Tim Gross

The Human Centipede (On Demand) – It’s sick, twisted, fucked up, perverted, and it’s awesomely bad! I love it! The Germans always do horror films right? Whether they suck or not the films are always one crazy fucked up ride you never forget! A sick ass doctor lives in the middle of nowhere and is about to begin his latest experiment of putting people together ass to mouth making a “human centipede”!!! Yes, it needs to be seen to be believed… I give this awesomely fun bad flick 3 ½ stars.

Frost Giant (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Dean Cain vs. an ancient ice monster above the article circle where not even there people care about Dead Cain’s career! I give it 0 stars.

Outland (DVD) – A long and forgotten science fiction film from Sean Connery’s career where the original James Bond plays a security officer for a mining station on another planet. He is assigned to all the shitty jobs in the universe and takes one personal as his wife leaves him and it is all up to him to stop the drugs from coming into the station as the miners are dying at a rapid rate. Not great, not bad, but a different forgotten film by most for the original Bond. I give it 2 stars.

Surrogates (DVD) – It’s the future (and soon-to-be-all-to-real), and no one leaves their house these days as they have robots do everything for them. Sex, stay young, party, these robotic clones do it all except kill. But there is one percent of the population that does not believe in these robots and believe a war is coming… Crime is down 99% and there hasn’t been a homicide in over a decade until now when the inventor of the robots son is killed when his robot is destroyed by a mysterious weapon that wasn’t supposed to exist. Think “Westworld meets The Stepford Wives” with Bruce Wills playing a cop who has been rethinking about being apart of the real world again. You see the ending coming a mile away but that doesn’t stop this sci-fi flick from being good and makes you think about the future? I give it 3 stars and the film deserves more attention than it got when it hit the DVD market?

The Book of Eli (DVD) – Denzel Washington in a post-apocalyptic world traveling alone with one mission in mind and that is ‘going west’. People dying all around hi looking for water and Gary Oldman destroying every book there is looking for the one book he believes that caused the ‘big flash’ 30 years ago and use it to rule whats left of the survivors out there in the wasteland of death. In my opinion, it was an interesting film that I thought would have been a calling card for the Christian supporters but all the violence must have turned them away? All this film needed was Roger Corman and maybe David Carradine on a bike and it would have been perfect! I give the film 3 stars and just because it deals with the Holy Bible don’t let that sway you to not watch a good movie like this.

Fantastic Flesh: The Art of Make-Up EFX (Starz On Demand) – If you are any kind of horror movie fan you will appreciate this documentary as it stars KNB, Savini, Bottin, Landis, Romero, Simon Pegg, and many more talking about practical effects and CGI. They also go behind the scenes of how they came up with ideas for some of the most popular horror films ever made! This is an excellent watch for gorehounds. I give it 4 stars.

Lake Placid 3 (DVD/SyFy Channel) – The film stars the greatest movie villain of all time, Michael Ironside as a good guy cop that for the most part is a wasted character in the film. When Michael Ironside is casted as the good guy this is a sure sign your movie will suck the smelliest ass on the planet! For the love of god people Michael fuckin Ironside, when he dies, his tombstone is gonna read Michael Ironside “the baddest mother fucking villain” ever to be in movies! Come on people have you seen “Scanners” or “Total Recall”? He was even a bad ass in the original “V” series basically telling the ‘Beastmaster’ himself to shove his revolution up his ass if it didn’t work! Starship Troopers? Anyone? He was just a bad mother fucker in that film period! Anyhow SyFy Channel decided how they could remake a movie without calling it a remake, let’s make it a sequel. SyFy, have yinz assholes seen “Alligator 2: The Mutation”? After that the mold was broken on how to make a kick ass alligator or crocodile sequel. No Betty White, no Bill Pullman, hell I would of settled for Oliver Platt or Bridget Fonda, but no we get some dumb fucker from one of your shows and a horrible, cheap, CGI rip off sequel that isn’t even worthy of being called a film. Hell horror fans the master print should been burned because the only thing that would of survived would have been Michael Ironside because he is just that much of an awesome bad ass. I give it shit and tell Michael Ironside’s agent to see if there is a sequel to Total Recall being made?

Unforgettably Evil (Starz On Demand) – An interesting look at all of the scariest serial killers and real evil characters of film. A great documentary that goes into detail of some of the most evilest characters that ever have grace the silver screen. I give it 3 stars.

The Shadows (DVD) – An independent film about five twentysomethings that are shipwrecked on an island and quickly find out they are not alone. As time passes, fear sets in as they find an old diary and a ghost begins to haunt the five as they try to figure out whether they are alive, dead, or even able to escape this place as it might be purgatory…? As they try to contact the outside world their fate seems to be grim. An excellent film about people’s fears and ghosts that is rare these days in film. I give it 3 stars and can be more about the film can be found out at www.TheShadowsFilm.com .

Redneck Carnage (DVD) – A meteor hits earth and some redneck plays with it unleashing god only knows what…? Quickly people begin to die and rise from the dead in odd circumstances in this small southern town where the only fate of the town is in the hands of a rogue government agent, a redneck, a roller derby girl, and a couple police officers. As zombies feast on whats left of the town the survivors try to contain the problem before the government rolls in and wipe them out. A very passionate independent horror project with some gore that is a fun watch but hurts itself with having too many plotlines all going on at once. As one character describes the situation, “Zombies, aliens, chainsaws…” This Indy film has it all and with a little more money this film would have more horror fans talking? So look for this crazy ass horror film for purchase at www.redneckcarnage.com as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 Once again horror fans it’s almost that time of the year again… Horror Realm, the horror convention that is right in my own backyard in Pittsburgh, Pa., September 17^th-19^th, 2010! Basket Case reunion!!! Chilly Billy! And I will be there… So come on out and support a great horror movie convention. For more details please check out www.horrorrealmcon.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReviews@comcast.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy my book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

GROSS MOVIE REVIEWS BOOK SALE ONLY AT HORROR REALM SEPTEMBER 17^TH-19^TH, 2010!!!

(Limited supplies)

All my Gross Movie Reviews books will be on sale for only $10 at the great Pittsburgh horror movie convention Horror Realm September 17^th-19^th, 2010. One weekend only all books $10 (exception the new book “Gross Movie Reviews Volume Five” will be $12.95). Here’s your chance to pick up a Gross Movie Reviews book on sale but do it while you can because once the books are gone, they could be gone for good?

So all GMR books $10 (except Volume Five)! Horror Realm weekend only! Get them while you can…

Mr. Mullen (Internet) – A political short film about a man named Chris who is tired of the government and blames one man for all the recent problems. And Chris has decided its time to cross that invisible line that most will not cross for the good of the people in his mind. Agree or disagree the short film will hit home with most Americans these days as I’m sure people can not only relate to the film’s star character Chris but have thought about it more than once. An excellent scripted, well-shot short film that kicks reality right in the gonads! I give it 3 ½ stars. You can check it out at www.mrmullenfilm.com .

Gross Movie Reviews #198

By Tim Gross

Simon Says (DVD) – Crispin Glover stars in this recent creepy slasher flick about a man who killed his twin as a kid and likes to kill any and all stupid young people who call him retarded! Without Crispin, the movie is your usual new run of the mill slasher film. With him it’s a creepy, tense little slasher film that is a great find for horror movie fans. I give it 3 stars.

Battletruck aka Warlords of the Twenty-First Century (DVD) – A Corman classic finally released on DVD by ‘Shout Factory’ that is on the same disc as the re-release of “Deathsport”. The story takes place after the oil wars and a certain colonial has decided for his army to build an armored truck and destroy whats left of the survivors and take their fuel. And only one man and his motorcycle can save the world from the great “Battletruck”! An awesome post-apocalyptic film that I give 3 stars.

Rolling Vengeance (VHS) – A fun, horrible, and classic 80s film that has a young trucker’s mom and sisters killed in a car accident by the hands of a drunk and decides to take the law into his own hands with his monster truck that he builds to KILL! I give this Ned Beatty starring film 2 stars.

Goblin (DVD/SyFy Channel) – A business man takes his family on a business trip over the Halloween holiday to a small town in the mountains that is supposedly cursed by a witch years ago. The curse consists of a demon-like creature or a goblin to come out on Halloween and steal any children that are in the small town. Not the greatest of films but does have its share of cool gory death scenes! I give it 2 stars.

Infestation (DVD) – A giant bug B-movie of sorts about a slacker who is fired from his job right before hearing a high-pitched noise and waking to find himself and everyone in the world had been cocooned by these giant beetles or roaches? Anyhow the slacker turned hero begins to awake a few people to help him get to his military-crazed father played by no other than Ray Wise to help him kill the giant bugs that are taking over the world. I good six pack of beer type of flick that I give 2 ½ stars too.

Saturday the 14^th Strikes Back (VHS) – Never mind the first horror spoof wasn’t a huge success, who in the fuck knew there was an actual sequel? Fuck at least you understood some what when they gave a sequel to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”… Okay, maybe not but anyway, never knowing this existing I did some digging through my old Fango magazines and came across a small article talking about this film. Not much good was said about the film and after watching it I understood why. But that didn’t stop Julie Corman from making this unfunny sequel about a kid whose odd family moves into a house given to them by a dead uncle that just happens to sit on top of the gates of hell. Beyond cheesy but watchable the film does have film vets Ray Walston and Michael Berryman as an evil mummy that keeps the movie interesting long enough that you see it to the bitter horrible end. I give it 1 star.

Microwave Massacre (VHS) – A man named Donald works his ass off everyday and comes home only to be pestered by his nagging wife about everything until one day he kills her and eats her. His life soon becomes better for it until he begins to fuck everything he eats! A fucked up low budget flick that is worth at least seeing once if possible and would make a perfect double feature with “Flesh Eating Mothers”. My only complaint there wasn’t really anybody getting thrown into a microwave to be killed, not much different than the cult classic from Jon McBride, “Woodchipper Massacre”, where no one really gets the woodchipper until almost the end of the movie. I give this horrible but fun at times underground classic 2 stars.

Just Before Dawn (DVD) – A much talked about slasher film made at the start of the slasher boom in the early 80s from Jeff Lieberman about five young people who travel up a mountain to go climbing and instead become victims of vicious uncontrollable killer twins called the ‘devil’ by their own father. The film is a little creepy, a little sleazy, and a little bloody of a classic horror film. I give this oldie but goodie slasher film 3 stars.

Once again horror fans it’s almost that time of the year again… Horror Realm, the horror convention that is right in my own backyard in Pittsburgh, Pa., September 17^th-19^th, 2010! Basket Case reunion!!! Chilly Billy! And I will be there… So come on out and support a great horror movie convention. For more details please check out www.horrorrealmcon.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReviews@comcast.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy my book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Gross Movie Reviews #197

By Tim Gross

Shadowzone (DVD) – A scientist played by James Hong (known for several genre roles) has been performing experiments on the human mind. He has found a way into a different dimension through the human mind. When one of his patients’ die of a brain aneurism somebody comes a looking to make sure the experiment is all on the up and up. To prove the experiments are safe they try again only to open a portal and something has come through and it’s killing people one by one by their worst fears! A classic late 80s Full Moon film with some boobs and gore as I give it 2 ½ stars and it can be purchased at www.fullmoondirect.com .

[REC] 2 (On Demand) – The Spanish fright film that shows a reporter being dragged in horror into the darkness has a sequel and it picks up two minutes after the first film. This time cameras follow a swat team into the building with a priest to get answers and to not rescue anyone and there is only one way out. The way out is the voice recognition of the priest, otherwise they are all trapped. The film’s opening twenty minutes is the most intense of any horror film released in 2010! The Spanish fright film does not disappoint as it goes further into why this strange virus is happening and it has a cool twist to it that actually in my opinion sets this horror flick from your usual fright fare? If you liked the first film you are going to like this film that much more as I give it 4 stars.

Lurking Fear (DVD) – Another underrated and underappreciated monster flick from Charles Band and Full Moon in the early 90s. The film stars Ashley Lauren aka Ashley Laurence to all “Hellraiser” fans who a few years back in this small dying town had a sister who was killed by these things that use to be people live underground and rape women to multiply and kill others for food! And the film also stars Jeffrey Combs playing the town drunk doctor who is helping Ashley’s character seeing this to the end as they have a plan to kill all the underground monsters on Christmas. One problem a offspring of the underground monsters returns looking for stolen money as does the mob boss looking for him. A great monster flick with lots of gore and cheap effects and a fun watch. The film is also based on another H.P. Lovecraft story so of course Jeffrey Combs had to be it plus you get a quick appearance by Vincent Schiavelli! I give the film 3 stars.

The Hitman (DVD) – Before the popular video game there was this cool Chuck Norris movie from 1991 where he is supposedly killed by his partner during a drug stakeout but survives and three years later is undercover being a hitman for a mob boss who has problems with Iranians taking over his territory. Its no “Silent Rage” or “Lone Wolf MacQuade” but still a great film for Chuck Norris fans as I give it 2 stars.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley (DVD) – Getting lost in the shuffle of ‘haunting’ films in past three years was this smaller film starring a few unknowns about a 17 year old girl who is about to celebrate her 18^th birthday but has a past she would like to forget and keeps having horrible visions. Molly trying to fit in at high school is having trouble as her past keeps catching up to her as her visions keep getting worse and worse. The movie surprising was a good flick up till the end and then you understand why the film has been lost in the glut of recent ‘haunting films’? The ending is purely based on what the producers or filmmaker thought would be cool for the teenage crowd but failed miserably! I give the film 1 star.

Eyes Beyond (Internet) – A short film that runs 28 minutes and just hitting the film festival circuit as this review was being written. Filmmaker Daniel Reininghaus gives us a film about a man named Gabriel who answers the door to his new neighbors who want to give him a housewarming gift. Gabriel invites them in and goes all “The Last House on the Left” on the neighbors! But you come to find out Gabriel has a bi-polar disorder and forgot to take his meds? Which the film leads you to decide, did it happen, didn’t it? A well shot and produced short film that is scary and frighteningly good. I give the short film 3 ½ stars.

Breeders (VHS) – A horrible but fun to at least watch once sci-fi/horror low budget film from 1986 starring lots of naked breasts and a shitty looking alien who has come to the Empire State Building to find diseased-free women to mate with or rape to have a master race! I give it 1 ½ stars.

ROT: Reunion of Terror (DVD) – A low budget slasher flick from Michael Hoffman about a popular high school clique getting back together for a party at a cabin in the middle of nowhere ten years later. Classmates begin to be killed one by one with no answer to why or who. You have your lesbians, you have some blood, you have your creepy forest ranger who you know isn’t the killer but is creepy anyway, and you have the speech of why the killer is doing what he is doing. Yep, it is a cool low budget slasher film that could have used much more blood in my opinion but I still give the slasher flick 2 stars.

Spring Break Massacre (DVD) – It is spring break and its time for the hot college girls and boys to die in this small Illinois town. Reggie Bannister plays a sheriff of this small town and tells the story of what happened and how the girl was able to survive the ‘Spring Break Massacre’. This is a great watch for anybody who enjoyed “Slumber Party Massacre” and “Sorority House Massacre” as it has a lot of nods to ‘Slumber’ quite often throughout this sex-fueled massacre film. Possibly the best part of the film is not that Linnea Quigley playing a deputy in Reggie Bannister’s department but the creepy guy who lives next door and keeps checking up on the college girls. By the end of the film you are waiting for Brinke Stevens to pop up in the film to try and explain she didn’t die in “Slumber Party”, oh shit, wait… she’s already did that in another film. Anyhow a fun throwback slasher film that I thought could of used more gore but has enough naked melons touching to make up for it. I give this throw back film written by Michael Hoffman 2½  stars.

Dollman vs. The Demonic Toys (DVD) – This was Charles Band’s failed attempt in the early 90s to keep interest in a dying independent business as everything low budget was disappearing as he decided just like “Godzilla vs. King Kong” he would bring his small creations together in one picture starring “Demonic Toys” star Tracy Scoggins and “Dollman” star Tim Thomerson to be Brick Bardo once again. The film is the shortest feature in the Full Moon collection but worth a watch if you are any kind of Full Moon fan like I am. But anyway Tracy Scoggins comes looking for the 13 inch wonder and to get his help tracking down the ‘Demonic Toys’ and killing them for good. Its hard to say where Band and Full Moon wanted to go with this picture but it would been nice to see if the film had more money in the budget or it was made after the first couple “Puppet Master” films or right after “Dollman” was made when Full Moon was thriving? But anyway I give the ‘clash of the titans’ flick 2 stars and it can be purchased at www.fullmoondirect.com .

Demonic Toys 2 (DVD) – It’s been over 15 years since the last time we saw the evil toys in a Full Moon flick but with the help of William Butler in the director’s chair and Charles Band producing they are back! An antique collector has brought together again ‘Baby Oopsie’ and ‘Jack in the box’ to a castle near Rome where a toy there might be the first toy ever made has been found and the collector is there to pick it up for his collection. Its ashame the other ‘Demonic Toys’ didn’t make the picture but no need as it does not take long for the black magic that is in the castle to awaken the evil toys who of course back to their old ways of being potty mouths and then kill you in vicious ways! After 15 years, it is a worthy sequel and I’m glad to see the evil potty-mouthed toys are back. I give the film 2 ½ stars and the film can be purchased at www.fullmoondirect.com .

Hot Tub Time Machine (DVD) – As always I debated over whether I should review a film like this but I had to for the mere reason it is a 80s film in theory… Grab some beers, sit back, and watch four friends go back to a falling apart hotel to relive some memories as they jump into a hot tub that takes them back to “Winterfest ‘86” and they relive some of their best and worst memories. The film has its funny ass moments but not enough to make it one of those films you revisit often but for the love of god people it stars John Cusack and he goes back to the 80s… I give it 2 ½ stars.

 The Final Destination 3-D (DVD) – Or for the people keeping track at home this is part 4 with a 5^th film in the works. Personally, the third film was kinda of a let down for me and this fourth film was just a big crapfest! If you seen the other films you know what you are going to get in this film but it does not nearly live up to the second film in ways people are killed or the gore. The second biggest problem with the film is it a remake, is it part four, I honestly believe they don’t give a fuck at this point. Third problem with this film is the gore effects were CGI and horrible CGI at that!!! After the big car race crash that kills people I wanted to pull the DVD out and break the son of a bitch in half! Fourth problem with this horror flick is it was just made to be seen in 3-D. I wouldn’t have the problem I do with it being in 3-D if they would have actually tried to make a film worth seeing! This film might be the biggest piece of 3-D shit made just yet? Wanna be disappointed and feel like you wasted 90 minutes of whats left of your shitty life then watch this pile dog dung! I give it 0 stars and possibly one of the biggest disappointments in horror in quite a few years…

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReviews@comcast.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy my book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Gross Movie Reviews #196

By Tim Gross

Metamorphosis (DVD) – A tale of mystery as a writer and two friends decide to visit the castle of Elizabeth Bathory for more info and get the feel of what Elizabeth was like before the young writer sits down and writes a book about her. The three young people soon meet a beautiful woman named Elizabeth who helps them get to the castle with a surprise they and are not expecting? The mystery/horror film also stars Christopher “Highlander” Lambert. The film has a great beginning and a good ending but the in-between story lacks and the film suffers overall. But if you like vampires, mythology, and some good gore you will enjoy this 2 star film from www.mtivideo.com .

Sutures (DVD) – Jason London stars as this old school detective who wants the whole story from a woman who has just awaken from a coma and was the only survivor of a slaughter fest of her friends! It is pretty much your usual paint by numbers storyline of a girl remembering her friends getting killed one by one by a large, dark, long-haired man who disappears at the end. I give the film 1 star and can be found at www.mtivideo.com .

Clue (DVD) – The mid-80s underrated classic that brings the Parker Brothers board game to life with all your favorite characters from the game. Its set in 1958 and Col. Mustard, Professor Plum, and etc. are all invited to a party that just happens to be thrown by a mystery guest who is killed when the lights go out. The film has three different and entertaining endings that make the DVD worth to own. I give this underrated fun film 3 stars.

The Last House on the Left (DVD/remake) – The story is set in present time and not 1971 but tries to ride that fine line of staying with the original concept. If you have seen the original you know what to expect only in R rated form and if you haven’t and seen the trailers for this remake you get the idea. Three criminals torture and kill one girl and hurt and rape another only to be near by one of the victim’s house. Then the parents take it upon themselves to take revenge on the criminals. The remake has its moments with a couple great gore shots but overall lacks the gritty, terror, filth, and overall creepiness the original will always have no matter how old the film is. Besides you know you were only going to get so much with a film being remade by the big wigs in Hollywood. I give the film 1 star.

Maximum Risk (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme stars as a French cop who has a twin brother who is killed during a chase with FBI agents and wants to find out why and how did he have a twin brother? Hell Jean, by now you would have figured out you would have a twin since the early 90s since you did every form of action film with a twin of you somewhere in the storyline… But that is what makes JCVD great! I give this action flick 2 stars.

Death Race (DVD/remake) – I don’t give a fuck if you put four Jason Stathams in this flick and it was doomed from the start, mainly because Paul W. S. (I know how to waste money on crap films in Hollywood) Anderson was behind it. The biggest problem with this film is the writers and director thought society has changed as a whole a lot since the seventies? Problem, society has and hasn’t… People would pay to see people run others over with cars and trucks but people can care less about what prisoners do to each other because its not reality in their minds. Example: reality TV is huge and has taken over which possibly means Corman’s original in 1975 is actually a precursor to what reality TV actually is? Come on, who in the fuck wouldn’t want to run over some people in the street just because?!!! Different writers and a director I think a remake could have been worth it but of course we get this not so clever piece of fucking shit that was just done how many times in recent years with films like “The Condemned” among others. I give it 0 stars.

Black Dynamite (DVD) – Think of “Undercover Brother” with nudity and even more blatant spoofs of the blaxploitation genre of the early 70s. The film is lots of laughs if you are any kind of film fan of the blaxploitation genre, but if not more than likely you should pass. I give it 2 ½ stars.

Universal Soldier III (DVD) – The Universal Solider project is up and running with the ‘Bandit’ (Burt Reynolds) behind it and wanting to clone the next perfect soldier. The sequel is like the original even in story of the reporter trying to blow the lid off of the project but on a tenth of the budget which included not casting good actors, but hey you do get to see the star of the great TV series “Evening Shade”! I give it 0 stars.

The Dead Matter (DVD) – A young woman who badly misses her brother, who recently died, wants to contact him one last time by séances and so on but with no luck. But her latest venture in finding a way to contact her recently dead brother she finds a very odd ancient artifact in the woods that just happens to control the dead and have two very evil vampire lords looking for that very object for power over the other. With her friends against using the artifact’s dark power she begins to try to use it to raise her brother from the dead. The film is a clever entertaining mix of horror, fantasy, and mythology that is only limited by its budget. The crew uses locations, music, and two acting legends in Andrew Divoff and Tom Savini perfectly casted as the vampire lords to bring the film together. The DVD comes in single disc or three disc versions, and the three disc version has “The Dead Matter” soundtrack CD, Midnight Syndicate’s Halloween Music CD, a feature length behind-the-scenes extra, commentary, and even two music videos. I give it 3 stars and must have at www.midnightsyndicate.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReviews@comcast.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy my book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Gross Movie Reviews #195

By Tim Gross

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil (DVD) – All your favorite puppets are finally back for a new tale of tiny terror after a decade long hiatus (especially since the SyFy channel abomination version of Puppet Master with a still seemingly drugged induced Corey Feldman starring as Andre Toulon is not counted by Charles Band and Full Moon). Call it a remake, call it a sequel, call it whatever, it’s been too long for Charles Band’s most famous creation. Personally, I like to title it ‘Puppet Master Part 1 ½’, but that is for a whole other conversation on the series itself? The story picks up after Toulon kills himself in his hotel room (from the beginning of the first movie in 1939) to avoid the Nazis finding him and taking his secrets. Little do the Nazis know is that Toulon has made a friend in a handicapped woodworker named Danny who would love nothing more than go to Europe and kill himself ‘sum Nazis’? And Danny hurries into Toulon’s room and knowing Toulon’s secret hiding place, opens it and removes the trunk full of puppets. Danny at first doesn’t understand why the Nazis would want with a trunk full of puppets but begins to read and discover there is more to the puppets than he could ever imagine and understands why the Nazis would kill for this secret Toulon had. The film has a different feel to it than the past sequels maybe because of budget or just the story seems a little fresh in some ways, or even perhaps it was set in a different location than just the hotel. Believe me, it’s not the best Puppet Master film but I have to give it to Charles Band and company for making the best sequel of the bunch since Part 3 starring Richard Lynch. The film is entertaining, cool, and back to what all Full Moon fans love and that is focus on the originals: Blade, Jester, Pinhead, Leech Woman, and Tunneler! And of course Charles Band leaves it open for new stories to be written for our favorite killer puppets. The DVD’s extras are all the vidcasts from China, the ‘Making of’ from the original “Puppet Master” film, and it also features all nine trailers from the series. I give this fun and long awaited sequel 3stars and cannot wait for the next “Puppet Master” film!

Cyclone (VHS) – A B-flick from one of the great filmmakers of all time, Fred Olen Ray! The film stars Jeffrey Combs as a scientist who makes a motorcycle the ultimate computerized weapon. Jeffrey is killed and it’s up to his hot girlfriend to seek revenge and protect his project. I give it 2 stars.

Black Water (DVD) – An Australian film about three folks that go on an impromptu boat ride in the outback to sight see until a crocodile flips the boat over and kills their guide. All is left is the three folks trying to decide is it safe to go to the boat, should they wait, or should try to climb the trees to a different location and try to swim to safety? This killer crocodile film is not all blood and guts as its more for the suspense and fear of the three folks who are just scared to death at what could happen next? I give it 3 stars.

The Stepfather (DVD/remake) – The guy that plays in the ‘Dexter’ TV series is the new ‘stepfather’ as he tries to fit in with his new family. It’s not so much that the film sucks, its actually not that bad its just this type of storyline does not work today in the new century. People like or not “The Stepfather” original was a great niche horror flick in 1987. I loved it, you loved it, Terry O’ Quinn was awesome but that storyline just doesn’t work now like it did back in the late 80s when getting a stepfather was a new and popular thing and there were lots headlines about abuse, rape, etc., from stepfathers. Also now stepfathers are a more common thing as some kids these days may have two or three before they are out of grade school because divorce and remarrying and getting divorced again is such a common part of today’s society… I give the film a ½ star not because it sucks but just because the film does not work on any level with horror movie fans or people in general, hell the box office numbers proved that!

Jaws: The Inside Story (DVD) – A new or late 2009 documentary on the making of “Jaws” in the spring/summer of 1974 and how it almost didn’t get made. There is some footage used from some of the past anniversary editions of the DVD but this documentary has some new interviews, stories, and maybe some insight to why “Jaws” is still till this day one of the greatest films ever made. I give it 4 stars and a must have for “Jaws” fans.

100 Feet (DVD) – A woman who fought back against her abusive cop husband is on house arrest and is back to live out her year of house arrest at the house where she defended herself and killed him. But the dead husband has other plans for her as he haunts her to possible death in this very cool ghost horror flick from Eric Red as I give it 3 stars.

Backwoods (DVD) – Yet again another horror film that has nothing to do with the classic horror/slasher from independent filmmaker Robert Elkins of the same name. But you do get the ugly sister of Hillary Duff (Lizzie McGuire to the people who watched her on the Disney channel) Haylie who is forced with several other co-workers to go on a weekend retreat to the woods for a paintball war until a religious cult decides they have intruded on their land. I give the film 1 star.

Catacombs (DVD) – The singer Pink and some of her new French friends decide to play a bad joke on her sister during a party in the catacombs under Paris. Film starts off great, sucks the big one mostly in the middle, and sort of redeems itself at the end. I honestly believe this film could have been so much better and could have gone in several other directions for a horror film but I still give it 2 stars.

Maximum Overdrive (DVD) – We have killer trucks, Emilio Estevez stars, and Stephen King directing a fun bad 80s film based on a short story from King about machines taking over the world for several days and killing humans. I give it 3 ½ stars for how badly awesome the film is then and still today!

Predators (Theater) – An all too-long awaited sequel to the series about an intelligent sweet looking kick ass alien that is a hunter that goes from planet to planet to hunt what is on it. In this long awaited sequel, earth’s top serial killers, mercenaries, gang members, etc. are dropped into a jungle with no knowledge of how or why they are there until it soon becomes very clear. The group is not on earth and is in a game preserve where they are the hunted and they try to find clues to why they are there and figure out how to defend themselves against this ultimate ‘predator’! The film doesn’t stray away from what made the original great and even acknowledges the original. But the biggest thing about the flick was three things: a) The creatures were men in suits (no CGI), b) fans get lots of ‘Predator’ screen time, and c) Lawrence Fishburne dies quickly which I know many movie fans were happy? I give this film 3 stars and hope we get another great sequel out of “Troublemaker Studios” soon!

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy my book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Gross Movie Reviews #194

By Tim Gross

(Remember people don’t forget to buy a book as they are about to disappear soon…)

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave (DVD) – To keep track this is a direct sequel to the Sci-Fi/SyFy Channel remake of the famous ‘aliens attack the world’ classic. Now, that we got that straight, apparently the aliens are back and pissed and immune! Now using worm holes, the aliens are taking whats left of earth’s population and using them as experiments on their home planet. Earth’s only hope is an older C. Thomas Howell and one of the guys who was apart of the popular rap group ‘Kid N Play’. Which one I have no fuckin clue? Not very good but I seen much worse these days but take note C. Thomas Howell not only starred but directed the sequel! I give it 1 star.

Night of the Living Dead 3D (DVD/Remake) – Yeah the movie blows ass… but once you get past that fact and try to watch this horrible flick, Sid Haig stars as a mortician who has a secret about the dead that have decided to get up get again and eat the flesh of the living! Honestly I think what hurts the film the most isn’t because they remade the famous classic Romero film it was actually the 3D wasn’t even that good. People we are talking “Friday the 13^th Part 3-D and Jaws 3-D” pulled it off better kind of bad. See… And you thought I was going to shit all over this fucking excuse called a zombie movie? It might be worse than something dead sitting inside a cow’s ass but can you watch it? In the meantime… I give it 0 stars, even the Zombie Fu sucked!

Stonehenge Apocalypse (DVD/SyFy Channel) – This CGI shitfest almost made me swear off watching SyFy Channel ever again? Have trouble sleeping? Watch this film as it was so bad it doesn’t even deserve 0 stars, yes it was that bad that my TV hates me for watching it.

Survival of the Dead (On Demand) – Romero’s latest zombie feature that once again has horror fans either calling for his head or cherishing another great zombie masterpiece from the legendary filmmaker. But recently, it seems to be the cool thing to put down Romero for doing this film let alone making it a direct sequel to “Diary”. Horror fans writing on their blogs and doing their podcasts bitching about Romero not making a classic like “Dawn” or “Day” saying he should just retire? So I tried to stay away from reading all the crap that was spewing out about Romero’s latest and waited to form my own opinion about it. Hell, I even thought Romero was done and going to ride off into the sunset after his studio-filmed zombie flick “Land”? I mean shit horror movie fans; the man has gone ‘rogue’… He is ‘independent’ again! What established horror filmmaker is actually willing to even take that chance these days, that’s right nobody? You bitch and moan about every little thing in “Diary” and now “Survival” and don’t sit back and think for a second that Romero is one bad ass of a horror movie filmmaker! Why? Who knows…? At least Romero isn’t smoking dope at home, doing nothing with life, and for the most part becoming a fuckin hermit, John Carpenter!!!? Oh shit, don’t let me forget Wes “I’m going to see what horror film I have made 25 years ago that needs remade in a very shitty manner all for the money” Craven. And Tobe Hooper, I think that pretty much sums it up. What Romero is doing is fucking awesome! It’s cool to see one of the last true great horror filmmakers still willing to go out and take a fucking chance today unlike most of the Hollywood force-fed so-called horror directors (Paul Anderson to name one) who are only ‘yes’ men these days instead of filmmakers… FUCKKK! Ok, the rant is over, but anyway this sequel picks directly up from ‘Diary’ following soldiers who are looking for a place to lay low and are just done with the whole zombie apocalypse. Problem is they make the mistake of listening to an old Irish man on YouTube who talks about a peaceful island without the threat of zombie problems? The Irish man not only leads them to the island but leads them to a war between two old Irish families that have been going on for many decades with the zombies now in-between them. A very solid zombie flick from George A. Romero that continues the whole Romero zombie universe. And possibly taking it into a whole new Romero direction. Once again it’s another enjoyable Romero zombie film but one thing that does take away from the good film is the horrible CGI. Note to Romero: Quit now, just quit it, it does not work and looks worse than hot balls on a summer day! I give the new Romero zombie flick 3 stars and cannot wait for the next entry. Yes, it isn’t as good as “Dawn” or “Day”, but when was the last time you made a horror film that fucking good?

Dinocroc vs. Supergator (DVD/SyFy Channel) – You knew it was going to be made… and Corman is still alive and kicking and made sure the title speaks for itself. You get what you pay for here. It is nowhere near “Godzilla vs. Kong”, but after a six pack, some friends, and a pizza, it’s worth at least one watch as I give it 1 ½ stars as it stars the recently deceased David Carridine.

The Seamstress (DVD) – Lance Henriksen stars as a drunk and retired sheriff of a small town that is home to a serial killer who tortured and murdered 12 kids years ago and was never caught. What doesn’t help the matter is the sheriff and some townsfolk tortured and murdered a woman who they thought did it and now her spirit has been disturbed when a twenty something girl comes snooping around looking for her missing dad and the real story of what happen years ago. An interesting horror film that mixes a little ghost story, a little slasher film, and a little serial killer storyline that is a good watch but would have been better with less annoying characters that did not help the flow of the horror film. I give the flick 2 stars.

Clive Barker’s Book of Blood (DVD) – After “Midnight Meat Train”, next up was this tale of horror where a man tells a story of how his skin is where the dead come to tell their story by writing on his skin and a woman who believes in the paranormal, exploits him by writing novels. Most likely not the best film to follow up such a cool film as “Midnight Meat Train” but does have its share of Barker blood and weirdness you come to expect as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

Samhain: Night Feast (DVD) – A short film from filmmaker Johnny Daggers about a couple on Halloween night that is haunted by more than your normal trick-r-treaters. Filmed on DV with one of those grain filters to give it that classic Black & White feel has the typical couple arguing about not having enough candy and Johnny has to go to the store to get more. His girlfriend is haunted by a weird pumpkin-masked figure while Johnny must take on zombies that have risen from the grave. The short film also stars popular horror writer Mario Dominick. The short film doesn’t cover any new ground but is a fun watch for zombie film collectors. Daggers’ film does suffer in the ‘fleshing out the storyline department’ but the film’s quick 20 minute running time helps diminish that minor problem. I give the short film 2 ½ stars and from what I have been told Daggers does have another project coming along, so keep an eye out for more Indy projects from filmmaker Johnny Daggers.

Hell Ride (DVD) – A great movie idea that is about 35 years too late. The film stars Michael Madsen, David Carridine, Vinny Jones, and Dennis Hopper all as bikers who are apart of outlaw biker gangs who are about to wage war over a Indian woman who died in 1976 and her safety deposit box left for her only son that only one man knows exactly where it is. If you like the old biker films of the 60s and early 70s this film is right up your alley with great shots of awesome senseless violence and lots of nudity! I give the throwback film 3 stars.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy a book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Gross Movie Reviews #193

By Tim Gross

The Road (DVD) – A film based on a best selling novel that stars Viggo Mortensson trying to survive a recently ravaged earth with his son traveling across the US to the coast in hopes of finding peace. But with humanity almost dead and no food in sight, most of what is left of humanity has become a shell of itself as what is left is men and woman have become savaged cannibals that hunt each other. The film is frightening and bleak and shows no sign of happiness for the main characters throughout. This film is scary for the mere reason this story might not be too far away from reality that could soon exist for all of us? I give the film 3 stars.

Artist Block (DVD) – A short film from filmmaker Brian Cottington that has a college-aged character who has ‘Artist Block’. He is stuck… He cannot come up with any ideas for his school project and one day walking around town comes upon an important decision that will change his life and help him complete his project and earn praise from his peers. While seeing a beat down of a man the artist gets blood on his hands and uses the blood to produce his latest art. One problem, the artist must continue so he kills on a daily basis in order to keep producing his great art work that his teacher is raving about. Of course there were a few issues with the victims being killed on film but that is the usual trouble you run into on a no budget short film that does show some promise for filmmaker Brian Cottington. I give the short film 3 stars.

Dorm of the Dead (DVD) – A feature length zombie film that just happen to be made at the University of Arizona in 2008. When students come back from semester back they usually come back to school with some sort of flu or common cold thing. This time it’s different as some students come back with an illness that just happens to turn them into flesh-eating zombies. With several students trapped in a dorm it’s up to the students to get to a television station for the college to get a signal outside of the campus to let people know about their friends, football team, teachers, are eating whoever is on campus. It’s not the best, but they did accomplish their goal of doing a fun and blood-drenched Romero-influenced student film project! I give it 2 ½ stars and more about the film can be found at www.dormofthedead.com as they now look to see if the film can get picked up by a distributor.

The Burning (DVD) – Finally, Cropsy gets his special edition on DVD. The famous slasher film that came out not too long after the “Friday the 13^th” film and has Tom Savini behind the helm of the great special effects work. You know the story… campers one night trying to get back at a mean caretaker play a prank that eventually goes wrong and the caretaker goes up in flames, only never to be heard from again. Five years later, he is back to seek revenge on all campers with some good old fashion hedge clippers! Film of course gets four stars but also has a great extra of Tom Savini talking about the memories of being on the set of the now famous slasher film.

The Wolfman (DVD/remake) – I’m surprised it took Universal Studios this long to remake this classic monster that has haunted film goers for many generations. The story is solid, Anthony Hopkins is himself, we get some cool scenes of the Wolfman attacking his victims, and the only downfall is some of the CG Wolfman scenes. As usual the horrible CG images take away from the film as it does in most films these days but the film being as good as it is makes it worth putting up with. Believe me you will not hear this much but it is a remake worth checking out as I give the rebirth of one of the original Universal Monsters 3 stars.

The Resurrection Game (DVD) – Yeah, I have reviewed this odd, independent, fun, very cool sci-fi zombie flick before. But this is for the “Special 10^{th year} Anniversary Edition”! Wow, it’s been that long? Anyhow, this is actually the final, final edition of this film as it’s been cleaned up, widescreened, and completely uncut (final version of what it was always going to be). The DVD is loaded with all new extras including two commentaries, behind-the-scenes, comments from cast and crew and other famous faces of the horror genre. Shit horror movie fans this is where it started for me, being in horror films, as Mike and Amy even point out how many times I appear in the film as a different zombie during the extras. Honestly, this four star film is great not just because I got to be in it a lot… But because even today the independent 16mm film still holds up and has a certain something that all zombie fans enjoy about the film. So, throw down the money and order this final, final, final version of the film… Go ahead laugh now, this film was an experience like no other and even if I had nothing to do with it I still like this odd zombie film that really cannot be defined like most zombie flicks. Pick it up at www.happycloudpictures.net .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/timgross . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy a book for the love of god! You can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………