All I Got For Christmas Was Banned From the Local Movie Theater
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By Tim Gross
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    Last week I made a statement on Facebook about being banned from a certain movie theater and people came out of the woodwork wondering: how, where, and why… I could not keep up with the e-mail, the Facebook comments, and phone calls that started to trickle in after I thought it was dying down? Usually during the Christmas and New Year’s holidays I do not check my computer too often just for the sake of taking a break as most people do. But Christmas Eve was here and of course I was buzzed from drinking a few beers and wanted to go online for a few minutes to wish my peeps a “happy holidays†until I went to my myspace page only to find a couple of e-mails asking me why I was banned from a certain Pittsburgh movie theater. This is where my story begins and just for legal reasons I will not use any names that are necessary to tell my story except my own of course to protect my friends mostly.
    Well, like I said I was buzzed, bored, and then shocked beyond belief for a couple of moments as I read the first e-mail in my myspace account. The e-mail was explaining to me that they finally got their act together and were looking for a local theater to host their local independent award festival that I emceed a few years back. Reasons for these friends of mine to use this certain local Pittsburgh movie theater was because of a) another friend of mine use to work there but was sadly fired for unknown reasons which was just the beginning of missteps the theater has taken in its reopening. b) I have been recently hooting and hollering about the theater and how not only myself but several of my friends have been helping get the word out about the local theater and we just hosted an awesome event there on “Black Fridayâ€. The friends were told not only was my recently fired friend was banned (but that was already publicly known) but I was also banned which this was the first time I had heard of this information.
    First, I was shocked! A few seconds later I was laughing until I almost pissed myself… Then, I wanted to call everybody I knew to start telling people about this because I thought and still think it is awesome for too many reasons to count! Still laughing, I read the rest of the e-mail and then answered their questions and laughed more. I figured someone was just fucking with me until the very next e-mail from another concerned friend asked me “why was I banned from the movie theater?†That’s when I knew that this so called cowardly “banning†of me from the local movie theater was for real and just fueled me into thinking it is awesome which it is.
    So, I made a couple phone calls on Christmas Eve, drinking even more beer now… And apparently it was told to a couple other friends of mine in passing about me being banned but they were never really given the reason why. But I was told by one friend it was from a joke I told at the “Black Friday†event that I emceed and the joke concerned blowjobs and the theater bathroom and this owner, lease holder of the movie theater, whatever he is considered, who by the way wasn’t there at all, hell this person was not even in the state claims there was hundreds of e-mails sent to the theater’s website about this joke. Never mind: a) The theater head person or something was not there to witness this joke or great event, b) The manager who was there approached me about the joke and I apologized for the joke as this person was the only one in attendance that didn’t care for it but we both went and had more fun as this was only halfway through the event itself, c) The theater’s so called website sucks cock to put it lightly as it does not accept e-mail, comments half of the time, and mix ups of another nature because the person that runs the site doesn’t know one thing about a website which is just another misstep this so called theater person does not know about, d) Another thing is funny that the event pulled in ten times the amount of money the theater does on a normal Friday night, e) The theater’s “lease holder or whatever†person wasn’t there to see me thank each and every person at the door as they exited the theater and thanked me for the fun they had at the event and could not wait more, f) Don’t forget the audience members were also shouting different things that could not be said anywhere else, g) Also that there was a person dressed as a certain holiday character running around with a running chainsaw (thanks to me) shouting “I want to fuck your cunts with this chainsaw!†And somehow I was banned…? Do I even need to keep throwing out reasons at this point…?
    I sat there after the phone calls I made and just laughed more and thought if I’m going to do this I’m going to do this right. I’m going to write an article or story for people to hear my side of it. This movie theater person who banned me didn’t even contact me, find me, anything, I had to learn through friends. Which hey be the dick you are, that is fine I have no problem with that even after I help this theater get not only recognized by the local newspapers (which the theater does not advertise in by the way) but I was getting the theater known through different horror websites because of my articles that I had written in the past few months.
    But hey never mind this theater is showing only DVDs on the big screen through a Blu-ray system which is actually illegal unless you the theater is told otherwise. Hell, this theater hasn’t shown a 35mm film on screen since August but I’m going to be banned for a joke. And this person was giving shit to the “Black Friday†event and the folks that I helped everyday before it happened claiming the theater needs this amount money? Needs this person to sign off? Etc.? Etc.? Needs to have 100 people through the door or it’s not worth it. (Do I actually got to point out again the theater does not draw dick ticket wise on Fridays?) Even though this person agreed for the “Black Friday†event to happen they made sure to be a dick the whole way. Don’t forget the theater has charged everyone full price for each of these films or should I say DVDs. I wonder what some of these Hollywood studios would think if someone would make a phone call and explain to them that this is going on at this theater. Plus, instead of thanking people for their help, their hard work, their word of mouth about the theater getting around to help it this so called theater owner or whatever they are shits on them and doesn’t have the balls to tell people face to face they are banned! That just makes me laugh as I have made a reputation on telling filmmakers, actors, and horror movie fans alike to their faces what I have thought of their films, acting, and taste in films. I pull no punches and almost every single person thanks me for my honesty and willingness to them face to face. That is just plain cowardly.
    I could sit here and tell every single person I know to boycott the theater but why? That is what makes this country and the internet great; word of mouth will get around about what happened to me and I will let movie fans make their own choice of what they want to do? Meanwhile, I will go and help out other people and local movie theaters that are not dicks about little shit (which there is already two events I’m apart of that are already motion to happen at another Pittsburgh location) and just hope this local movie theater goes out of business again? Possibly soon… Believe me I know more about what goes on in this theater than the person running it and the missteps this person keeps making with the theater, but who am I, I never majored in business and know more? Apparently, I’m nobody to this theater which I got to say thank you for banning me, being a complete dick, and making my Christmas so awesome! Oh, by the way, local theater that banned me certain groups has already told me they are taking their business elsewhere because of your stupidity! But remember I’m nobody and I’m awesome.
