Gross Movie Reviews #176

Gross Movie Reviews #176

By Tim Gross

 

Night of the Creeps (DVD) – One of the best 80s horror films hands down! If you haven’t seen this flick you can not call yourself a horror fan. For “Gross Movie Reviews Volume Two” I reviewed a bootleg copy of the film with the alternate ending you only get to see on Sci-fi (SyFy now) or late at night on USA. So it is completely pointless to review the film again. But now we finally get the whole package plus more with the legit DVD release of this awesome Fred Dekker horror film. There is shitloads of extras that horror movie fans will just eat up. There is a commentary, another segment where the actors and director talk about how they got cast into the film and how it got off the ground, and then there is one of the best extras on a DVD I have watched in quite some time. A segment dedicated to Tom Atkins that runs about 25 minutes and has Tom talk about his time growing up in Pittsburgh and how in got into a lot of horror films he did get into. This DVD is of course a must have without saying it and it gets 4 stars.

 

Tales of the Darkside: The First Season (DVD) – One of the first TV series in the 80s that touched the scare nerve in horror movie fans hearts. Produced by George A. Romero, each week you got a different tale of horror that would sometimes star a known actor or an upcoming actor or actress. Being younger when this series first came onto TV, I was in love with the TV series like most young horror movie fans and it seemed the series could do no wrong. But whether it is me or the series does not hold up well with time some of the episodes just seem down right boring. This first season does have its great episodes but most just don’t hold up since it was on TV over 20 years ago. Here’s a short list of actors you get to see in some of the episodes: Tom Noonan, Danny Ailleo, Justine Bateman, David Patrick Kelly, Christian Slater, Harry Anderson, and Dick Miller. The episodes I do have to note that horror fans need to watch is: Romero’s ‘Trick or Treat’, Tom Savini’s ‘Inside the Closet’, and a creepy episode called ‘Answer Me’. I give this first season DVDs 2 ½ stars.

 

Race to Witch Mountain (Remake/DVD) – At this point just ask yourself “what hasn’t Disney remade?” Mainly renting this for my daughter because of the ex-wrestler ‘Rock’ I decided to sit down and watch it just to see if it is like the originals. The film is entertaining and driven to kids and teenagers more than anything else and also surprisingly keeps the core of the story the originals had in the 70s. The only big difference is they had to update everything because if you don’t the audience your aiming for won’t care. The film is not boring and if you are looking for something you and the kids can watch at the same time this would be it. I give this entertaining film 2 ½ stars but still won’t change the fact I still think Disney is “Satan”!

 

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (DVD) – With a few changes it’s your favorite Joes from the cartoons we all watched after school fighting the evil cobra forces everyday. But they become cobra right away. This is like a prequel of sorts of how G.I. Joe was already forming but needed its leader we all know, “Duke”, as he becomes a part of this new top secret elite armed force that many nations are apart of. There is another force that isn’t associated with any country, they aren’t terrorists, their only agenda is to put the whole world in fear and rule all the governments. Here as these two forces fight we are introduced to our favorite characters remembered and loved to hate in the cartoon years ago. I think the film is a great live action version of G.I. Joe and they did a wonderful job of fleshing out the main characters we all know. With this you know a sequel is coming soon and I’ll be looking forward to that to see where they take the Joe story too. This isn’t your usual summer movie crap that you forget about in 2 days; it is something that taps into most of our childhoods and really relishes a cool flick like this. I give it 3 stars.

 

Land of the Lost (DVD) – A film adapted from a horrible TV series from the 70s that would play on Saturday mornings for years. The show was so horrible that the kids at the time like me thought it was awesome and the teenagers at the time thought it was a great show to watch while getting high. But that was most the shit “Sid and Marty Kroft” came up with! Well the movie isn’t much better, hell Will Farrell is funny but that wears thin quickly as the film just looks to Hollywood. The appeal of the TV series was that it was cheesy and horrible looking and we didn’t care. The only reason that makes the film worth watching is the “Slee Stak” but hell those were the only fuckers that scared you on Saturday mornings. If you seen the TV series then you have seen the movie only 30 some years later, not much different. The movie is stupid and not worth the rental fee but if you are going to watch it make sure you are high for old time’s sake! I give it 1 star and that is just because the “Slee Stak” fucking rock!

 

Hooking Up (DVD) – A higher budgeted independent film that is suppose to be a sex comedy in the same vein as “American Pie” or “The Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, the classics. A little different for the now crowd these days where you are introduced to six or seven characters and the film follows their everyday lives about how this one only gives head, or this guy only likes strange sex, or this girl is a virgin, you get the picture pretty quick. Here is the problem the film plays more like a dramatic softcore porn flick from ‘Skinamax’ than a sex comedy as everybody is fucking, sucking, or about to every five minutes of this flick. And the ending for this so-called sex comedy does not really make sense as it didn’t give any closure to the storyline leaving with the filmmaker really did not know how to end it. The film reminds a lot of that teenage soap opera that MTV had for a season or two back in 1998/1999 that only played after 11pm because its graphic sexuality. The film does star a couple named actors: Brian O’ Halloran from “The Clerks” and Corey Feldman from “Friday the 13th Part 4” but that didn’t help the film much mainly because Corey’s character plays a 25 year old who hooks up with high school chicks, fine if he looked the part, but he’s fucking older than me. Also the film shouldn’t have been called “Hooking Up” as much as it could have been called, “Corey Feldman gets fucking laid every other scene because it was written somewhere in his contract. But anyhow, I give this so-called sex comedy 1 star! It would have got more if there were more tits but for a so-called sex comedy there was not many. You get more info or purchase the flick at www.mtivideo.com .

 

 Lost Treasure of the Maya (DVD) – A woman is searching for her sister who has suddenly disappeared during an expedition and seeks help from a man who does not want to help. Meanwhile, Michael Madsen playing himself for the most part is threatening his cronies if they don’t find this ancient mask he will kill them all and of course there paths cross and Michael Madsen gets pissed. Sorry with “Tomb Raider, Indiana Jones, The Mummy, National Treasure” out there it’s hard to come close or come up with a film that is just as entertaining as those films without copying them. Plus the film isn’t that exciting. When Michael Madsen comes on screen he becomes Michael Madsen and just eats up the screen time and is a great character actor for any movie. But when he’s not on screen in this flick, it just becomes a forgettable wannabe treasure hunting flick. I give the flick 1 ½ stars just because Michael Madsen and it can be purchased at www.mtivideo.com .

 

Kingdom of the Spiders (DVD) – We got killer spiders, William Shatner playing a vet, and it’s the 70s when ‘animal attack movies’ were at their height in the film industry. 3 stars as this is just pure fuckin awesomeness!!!

 

Replicant (DVD) – Michael Rooker plays a cop in the near future who will do anything to track down the most dangerous serial killer (played by Jean-Claude Van Damme) ever! Anything ends up meaning getting the serial killer’s clone to help him track him and stay one step ahead of him in order to bring him to justice. Not as good as Jean-Claude’s “Double Impact” but still a lot of fun watching Jean-Claude talk to himself. I give this flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Binge & Purge (DVD) – The director of the independent classic “Meat Market” brings his latest gore flick, “Binge & Purge”. The film is about a designer and fashion models that actually feast on humans and do a lot of cocaine to help them get through their day. But things start to go south for the designer and models and when three detectives get called out on a case where one of the models has lost it and eats the pizza man and a couple of cops. With this the three detectives follow a dark bloody path to the designer and models where death would be the only good thing that happens to you. The film has buckets of gore and crazy models who take bums off the street only to feed on their flesh. The detectives were a little over the top but for storyline sakes I think they were just written that way. The cannibal film is fun and worth checking out as I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.srscinema.com .

 

The Forbidden Warrior (DVD) – A magical fantasy film that combines all of the best Asian films that you can remember from the past 40 years into one flick that stars the legendary Asian actors Jackie Chan and Jet Li. An American teenager is thrown into a magical land from long ago and is told he must return the staff he has in his possession to the rightful owner “The Monkey King” who was placed in stone by an evil warlord 500 years ago. This teenager must make a journey across mountains and valleys while being tracked down by an evil witch with white hair. Along the way he gets help from a beautiful woman named “Sparrow” who seeks revenge and two kung fu masters that have their own ways of Kung Fu. I know this film will have its detractors because it borrows from every Jackie Chan and Jet Li film out there but I really enjoyed this flick. The film was a excellent blend of older and newer Asian cinema with enough American cinema that even some of the dumb ass movie goers that do not have an open mind about certain genres would enjoy. If you are looking to get into watching some Asian cinema and looking for somewhere to start this film could ease you in as I give this great adventure flick 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com  You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com and in the movie review section of the past issues of Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

 

If interested in purchasing a copy of my books, here are links or just go straight to www.lulu.com and search for Gross Movie Reviews!:

 

Volume One 

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/gross-movie-reviews-volume-1/265208

 

Volume Two

 http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/gross-movie-reviews-volume-2/738100

 

Volume Two (Alternate Cover)

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/gross-movie-reviews-volume-two-%28alternate-cover%

 

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/gross-movie-reviews-volume-3/249742829/751465

 

Volume Four

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/gross-movie-reviews-volume-four/7568918

 

Guide to Independent Horror

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/gross-movie-reviews-guide-to-independent-horror/7568832

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