Gross Movie Reviews #187 & #188
Gross Movie Reviews #187
By Tim Gross
I hope everyone enjoys Wasteland this weekend!
Dark Relic (DVD/SyFy Channel) – A fantasy film that takes place during the times of the Crusades that were made famous in film by ‘Indiana Jones’ among some other lesser known films. The Crusaders are making their trek across the world looking for what is supposed to be a piece of Jesus’ cross! Instead, it is actually a powerful dark artifact that possibly has been cursed by the devil and death follows it everywhere. For lack of the usual budget for SyFy flicks the film is actually pretty decent… I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Creation of the Humanoids (VHS) – A 60’s futuristic film about the world basically being ran by robots or androids built by humans after the big war. The war kills off 92% of humanity so whats left builds these robots who eventually build themselves and the humans are scared of what happens if they begin to feel? Not the best of flicks but well worth checking out once as it defines most of the flicks that came out a not so peaceful time in the world. I give it 2 stars.
Burnt Offerings (DVD) – A couple, their aunt, and their kid move out to the country for the summer to a beautiful mansion that seems to have a few secrets but at a cheap price for a vacationing family that seems not to matter. The film builds the drama slowly as the family begins to pull apart and becomes possessed by an unseen force. The film stars some screen legends in Karen Black, Burgess Meredith, and Bette Davis. A great 70’s film that still holds up today as I give it 3 stars.
Swamp Devil (DVD) – Bruce Dern has been chasing a swamp ghost that killed his wife and his friends that just happen to be CG-twin of ‘Swamp Thing’. Predictable but watchable, I give it 2 stars.
Sherlock Holmes (DVD) – Robert Downey Jr. does his best to bring to life the all-knowledgeable English detective ‘Sherlock Holmes’. Sherlock Holmes has been on TV movies, shows, comic books but has mostly always lacked that flair and just as Downey did with the ‘Tony Stark’ character he does a wonderful job with the Holmes character also as Holmes and his sidekick Watson must solve the case of a man who has seemingly died and was brought back to life by black magic! The film is exciting, entertaining, and funny and had exactly the right person to play the title character and bring this picture to life. I give 3 stars.
Billy Owens and The Secret of the Runes (DVD) – Think Harry Potter on a pre-teen/Christian level… It’s the best way to describe this film. But why would I watch something like this? Fucking Roddy Piper is in it, why else! I give it 1 star only because the only good thing about is Piper and you can purchase the film at www.mtivideo.com .
The Shadow Within (DVD) – A slightly creepy film about a mother who is giving birth to a child only to find out she is having twins and one of them die. A decade later the mother struggles to keep her sanity as all the men have gone off to war (WWII) and sometimes home school her son who loves reading books but according to mom is wrong. Because of this traumatic event in the son’s life he is somehow able to talk to the dead including his dead brother that his mom prefers! Odd, a little weird, a little long, and could of used a little more scare scenes but something fans of hauntings and ghosts will enjoy. I give it 2 stars. Movie could be found at www.mtivideo.com .
Vampegeddon (DVD) – Ok, it just might be another low budget vampire flick that could have been better off made into porn with it starring the hot chunky redhead but why stop there when you can make unintentional B-vampire flick that might find some kind of cult status. I mean this in a good way. Let’s be honest its hard to make any kind of great vampire flick these days just for the mere reason unless of it having the latest hot looking young vampire that sparkles and he’s gay but is able to stand in sunlight with his hot virgin girlfriend the dumb movie going masses don’t care. But this vampire flick has everything going for it to be a cool B-flick for horror movie fans as we have a vampire hunter named, “Long Shank”. Seriously, why wasn’t this film a porno again? There is bad CG, bad voiceovers (watch close at times), twentysomethings with a sleeve of tats and still in high school, and the evil vampire’s name is Giovanni (WTF?)! This is great bad shit that I love watching. On top of that we got a hot chunky redhead showing off her huge melons for a good bit of time at the climax of the film which of course is crucial anytime you are filming an ancient vampire ritual! Plus let’s not forget scenes and scenes of naked vampire women for no apparent reason other than to sell the films which if you all know you always need this for a low budget vampire film. And remember folks you can never have a low budget vampire flick without having a good séance where all who are apart of it bleed into a cup and drink it with wine to bring forth the ancient evil vampire that will lead to them god only knows what? A better nightlife apparently if you are doing this on your Friday nights! Hell, if it doesn’t work your group will be dead of Hep C or HIV soon enough anyhow… It has everything you could ever dream about for a cool B-vamp flick worth watching, blood, hot naked babes, and a vampire hunter with a corny porn name! But what cements this flick as a great B-flick is the beginning of the film that has a great setting, costumes, and trying to sell you the fan how serious this film should be taken… I give this new classic B-flick 3 stars and can be found at www.midnightreleasing.com .
Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island (DVD) – A well crafted and a throwback of sorts’ slasher film that just happens to promote gay males and females in the industry. A prank goes wrong the year before at an island where a fraternity has a pledge that went crazy and has escaped to possibly seek revenge on the new pledges and fraternity brothers. It just so happens that there is three other people who also want to kill some of the fraternity brothers for several reasons and tries to have you guessing throughout the 80 minute film. And did I forget the killer is dressed up as a clown who dances and bugs his way around the island (or building I should say) after he kills? The film works like a slasher throwback but has its pacing issues but still finds a way to be a quite entertaining horror film. Hell, if I’m correct almost everyone that dies is straight? Two things to listen for while watching this horror film which I found funny was a) all the fraternity brothers named after baseball players and b) the Library jokes… Overall, it being a gay film doesn’t factor in it being good or bad as much as it just being a cool horror worth checking out! I give it 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.ariztical.com .
Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy a book for the love of god! Also you can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com. You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com and in the movie review section of the past issues of Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Plus I will have more reviews being posted at www.mondo-video.com in the next few weeks. Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………
Gross Movie Reviews #188
By Tim Gross
Planet Hulk (DVD) – Marvel and Lionsgate have teamed up again to make an excellent animated film. This time the Hulk has been sent off into space by Iron Man and The Avengers because they do not want to deal with Hulk’s destruction no longer and hope Banner will be able to find peace on a far away planet? Problem is, Hulk is still pissed and knocks the ship he is on of course to go through a worm hole and end up at another planet in another dimension. At this planet Hulk is looked as a prophecy that is being fulfilled as the savior of the people but of course the bad ass Hulk just wants to be left alone. Awesome flick of the green comic book freak from Stan Lee! I give it 3 ½ stars.
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (DVD) – Everything is wrong with the world and Lex Luthor has just become president! One of the first recent animated features DC comics and Warner Bros. has gotten together on to compete with Marvel and Lionsgate animated features and it’s a great one. Superman is pissed that Luthor is president and making the world right and he’s even employing superheroes to keep the peace. But Superman always knows that Luthor has an evil plan… And Batman just because he doesn’t like the world is along for the ride with Superman to save the earth and defeat Luthor once again! I give it 3 ½ stars.
Wolverine and the X-Men: Heroes Return (DVD) – The latest updated cartoon version of our favorite mutant superheroes from NickToons. This DVD is the first three episodes of the series that sets up the core of the story. Xavier is missing after a mysterious blast and one year later it is up to Wolverine to put together the X-Men again and lead them into battle for the future of mutant and mankind. This cartoon is a little of the recent films and a little of the updated comic books that will have you confused if you are a fan of the 90’s Fox cartoon or 80’s NBC cartoon. But you will like the direction they go in as they introduce more core mutant characters that didn’t get their due in the past animated shows. I give it 3 stars.
Mega Piranha (DVD) – Foreign country, US experiment gone wrong, huge ass piranha eating people and attacking buildings, and a chunky, older Tiffany! The 80’s pop singer damn it! I give it 2 stars.
Hillside Cannibals (DVD) – Pretty much a lower budget rip off of the remake and original “The Hills Have Eyes” where so-called high school students are attacked and eaten in the desert mountains. Not a great horror film but does have a good amount of blood splatter worth checking out as I give it 1 ½ stars.
The Carpenter (VHS) – An odd but memorable late 80’s low budget horror film trying to cash in on the dying slasher age has a woman who doesn’t if she is crazy or in love as a man (Wings Hauser) does his best work at night repairing her house and killing off unwanted carpenters who slack off on the job. I give it 2 ½ stars.
The House on Sorority Row (DVD) – A lost but fairly known early slasher classic from 1981 about sorority sisters who play a prank on their house mother that goes wrong. The sorority sisters think they have killed her so they decide to push her into the scummy ass pool until they can have their big graduation/going away party! Steals a lot from “Black Christmas” at times and maybe a little from “Prom Night” but still holds its own in slasher film history as one of the originals that ushered in a new age of horror films as it would be copied often during the 80’s. Its fun, it has some deformed boobies, it has some blood, and a crazed killer what more could you want? I give it 2 ½ stars.
Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy a book for the love of god! Also you can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews” books at www.lulu.com. You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com and in the movie review section of the past issues of Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Plus I will have more reviews being posted at www.mondo-video.com in the next few weeks. Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………
