A new Era Dawns!
Minions. I write to you today from a secret location miles below Strangeville. My doctor suggested I stay as far below ground as possibe to help combat the effects of some weird seisures I’ve been having lately. You see, for about 3 months, I’ve been afflicted with an odd disorder. First my dick would inexplicibly get hard for no good reason at all. Naturally I’d go ahead and start jerking off cause a hardon is a terrible thing to waste. But within seconds I’d begin to shake and convulse and eventually I’d black out. when I’d come to, I’d have scrawled a scene of a movie I’ve yet to write all over the floor in my own bile and fecees. Naturally I collected all of these unconcious writings and pain stakingly typed them out into what became the script for the next Mighty film from Hack Movies. A film know to the world as-haha, not yet. I have much to tell you about, so let me just go ahead and adjust my dick jewlery and get started:
Colonel Kill Has Come and Gone
We’ve washed off the camo paint and retired the hoodies, gang. the Kill Motherfuckers era has passed, and what a great fucking era it was! We touched thousands of you with our relentless brand of horror/satire/gross out/slap stick gore/comedy and I want to personally thank each and every on of you motherfuckers we’ve met online, at conventions, and at shows that gave Hack Movies and Colonel Kill a chance.
You ruthless ass lovers of the underground are what keep the wheels turning on this company. We honestly and sincerely could not do it without you fucks. We are truly an Underground. The mainstream does not, will not, and can not understand this thing we do. When you show most people a Hack Movie, they look at you sideways and ask you what the fuck is wrong with you. They don’t feel this magic minions! Don’t sweat them! Don’t sweat the haters! Be proud to represent the underground! Be proud to represent Hack Mother Fucking Movies!
This wicked circus freakshow keeps on moving
With two conventions already behind us and a HUGE response from Chicago minions at Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors, we’ve added four additional convention appearances to our already jam packed 2008 schedule. First up on August 15-17th, we’ll be heading down south to Louisville Kentucky for the Fright Night Film Fest to kick it with none other than the Creepy Kentuckian and Uncle Bill, collectively known as DEADPIT radio!
Then, a few short weeks later, the crew will head back to Indianapolis Indiana to school another group of unsuspecting horror fans at the HorrorHound Weekend Show!
Next up, in Sepetember, We’ve been invited to attend the second annual Dark Carnival Film Fest in Evansville Indiana. Hack Movies is gonna show Evansville what it means to be a true Hack minion. Full on face paint with costumed characters running around throwing flyers at every Tom Dick and Harry that walks by, spreading that Hack sickness like the fucking plague, you know how we do!
Finally, this perverse Horror train comes to a stop right here in our hometown, St. Louis Missouri at the Monstrous Weekend on October 27-29th! Don’t miss the chance to meet the Hack Crew , score some exclusive Hack Merch, and the chance to personally suck our dicks at one of the infamous Hack Movies convention after parties!
A New Era Dawns
As if all this freshness weren’t plenty for you to wrap your fake ass tupe pieces around, Hack Movies is about to begin production on our 3rd feature length film and 4th DVD release since 2006! The enery is strong with this one gang. Myself and other key members of the hack crew have found ourself drawn together late at night to remote and abandoned cornfields. What we found in these fields was always the same. The title of the next feature length film from Hack Movies, scrawled in the dirt:
CockHammer.
The plot of CockHammer is relatively straightfoward: A ruthless snuff porn filmmaker named CockHammer has been kidnapping and sacrificing all the hookers in Strangeville on film. A couple of hot and horny swinger girls get caught up in the satanicy mess and find themselves the next victims of this psychotic filmmaker. Now it’s up to their douchbag boyfriends to find and rescue them before CockHammers evil plot sees fruition!
Gang, when I came to you those many months ago and told you that Colonel Kill was gonna be the most perverted and ruthless Hack Movie to date, I did Not Lie! I did not exagerate! I hyped up a crazy ass slasher film and I delivered! Now I come to you again, and I must tell you…CockHammer is the most perverse, disghusting piece of trash I have ever written! You sick fucks are in for a real treat with this one. We take the sex, drugs and gore quotient up 10 mother fucking knotches for this piece, best believe that!
So when does this sick fucking movie drop? We’re currently, deep, DEEP into pre-production. We expect to shoot the flick sometime in September and October, so expect a release near Christmas or New Years 2009. But do not fret Minions! In the interm Hack Movies will be releasing a series of short promotional videos introducing you to the crazy ass henchmen employed by CockHammer: Wolfram and Windgate. Expect a new wolfram and Windgate video every month, starting with July 17th and running all the way up to the release of the CockHammer trailer.
There you have it Minions. Welcome to the Era of CockHammer! We’ll see you at those Conventions! Buy a fucking Hack Value pack from HackMovies.com and rep the fuck outta your brand ass new T shirt and DVD piece! I now leave you with the first promo video of this exciting new era: Strangeville Cafe: CockHammer
