Bastards of Horror

Gross Movie Reviews #136
By Tim Gross

I spent the past weekend watching six straight hours of old school ECW and this fun batch of films I’m sure you’ll enjoy?

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (DVD) – Yeah, I have reviewed this before but this is for the 20th anniversary edition DVD that was just released. It is of course a four star film that stars a naked Linnea Quigley, a naked Michelle Bauer, Gunnar Hansen, and lots of blood and chainsaws in which hookers draw men into their evil clutches and sacrifice them to their god! But anyhow horror fans you need to go out and buy this one now as the first DVD that was released a few years back went out of print quickly plus this new DVD has some pretty cool extras from Fred Olen Ray! Again I give it 4 stars!

Drive-in Massacre (DVD) – A film from 1976 during the drive-in boom that was written by George ‘Buck’ Flower who also makes an appearance. The film is a perfect flick for the drive-in as it was made mainly only to be seen in the drive-in where couples that are bumping uglies are being killed by an unknown killer. Who knows he could be at your drive-in? I give it 2 ½ stars.

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (DVD) – A sequel to the Jamie Lee Curtis film but has nothing to do with it mainly due too it was once called “The Haunting of Hamilton High” during film production. But during the time between when it was finished and when it was released in 1988 the studio changed the name in order to get more people interested in the film. But anyhow, Michael Ironside plays the principal of Hamilton High where apparently his ex-girlfriend is back 30 years later to seek revenge against him. Some very cool kill scenes, lots of ‘bush’ being shown throughout the film (this was before shaving was the in thing to do), and the movie reminds you a lot of the Stephen King film “Carrie”. But even after 20 years this underrated slasher still holds up with all its blood and guts… The only sad part of the whole DVD was there were no extras which of course sucks elephant cock, but anyhow I still give it 3 stars.

Beyond the Darkness (DVD) – An Eye-talian flick made by the famous filmmaker Joe D’Amato… The film is a little long but fun once it gets going as it’s about a man whose love has died and refuses to part with her. He digs her grave up and disembowels her and then stuffs her so he can place her in his bed. The scene is very gruesome, sick, and I loved every second of it. From there the ugly woman he lives with helps him get rid of the bodies of other women he attacks and eats. I never realized how fucking cool this film is as it has some jaw dropping FX heavy scenes. A must have for any gorehound’s collection! I give it 3 ½ stars.

Graveyard Shift (Theater/DVD) – All horror movie fans have a guilty pleasure and this film is one of mine. It’s fucking horrible film about a half rat/half bat that is attacking people in a warehouse of course located in Bangor, Maine. While workers keep disappearing and rat population is on the rise the foreman just keeps running the warehouse and hires an exterminator to try and take care of the rat problem. Lots of plot that makes no sense and I really wish if there was deleted footage it would be released on a special edition DVD at some point just in hope of explaining some of the film’s scenes. Again this is one of my guilty pleasures as I try to watch this anytime it’s on or rent every once in awhile just because. But one cool thing about this bloodfest of man vs. mutant animal is Brad Dourif makes an appearance as the weird exterminator and Andrew Divoff with a pretty big role before “Wishmaster” as one of the main workers in the warehouse. The movie is so fucking bad its better over time and I give this bad flick 3 stars.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (DVD) – The sequel picks up about 15 minutes after the first film with Harold and Kumar getting their shit together so they can catch a flight to Amsterdam to surprise Harold’s new girlfriend. And of course everything goes wrong when they are mistaken for terrorists when Kumar brings on the plane his smokeless bong to smoke weed! From there funny shit just happens… Cockmeat sandwiches, incest, one-eyed kids from incest, Neil Patrick Harris looking for a unicorn and eating a shitload of mushrooms, lots of vagina and I mean lots… but the film fails to top the original. Now, Neil Patrick Harris once again playing himself steals the film but the movie fails outside of him as the original might be too good to top? But still worth renting, smoking up, and help Neil Patrick Harris look for the unicorn! I give the film 2 ½ stars.

Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5: The Toy Maker (VHS) – Brian Yunza helped produce and write this film in 1991 that has absolutely nothing to do with the original. This deadly holiday flick begins with a kid who hears something at the door and goes find out what it is after he notices his dad is busy boffing mom. Well, it is a present and the kid opens it and dad comes and sends the kid to bed to check out what the kid got only to be killed by the toy. To summarize the film think modern day Pinocchio mixed with a little of Charles Band’s “Demonic Toys” starring Mickey Rooney and an appearance by Clint Howard. Nothing exciting as Charles Band did it first, several times over… but if you are a horror fan that likes to complete their collection or needs to watch every sequel you’ll wanna watch this shitty sequel as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase any of my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me in Strongsville, Ohio for Cinema Wasteland October 3rd thru the 5th, 2008 and go to www.cinemawasteland.com for details…

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books is:

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Gross Movie Reviews #134
By Tim Gross

Sometimes They Come Back… For More (DVD) – The third in this suck ass series of films based on a short story of the great horror writer Stephen King. This time around some scientists are stuck in the Artic Circle “The Thing” style and MPs have been sent in to find out why communication is down and what the hell is going on. Next thing you know an overused storyline and a bunch of zombies later and it becomes a fight between two disciples of Satan in which one wants to bring their father into the world and the other wants to live a normal life and bang the snot out of his woman he just met at this little Artic scientist station. Once you watched it you’ll ask yourself, “why I watch this piece of shit?” But remember it’s a sequel it needs to be seen. I give this limp dick sequel ½ star.

Robot Jox (DVD) – A cheesy and cool produced Charles Band film that is set in the future where the major countries no longer have war to settle things they use giant robots with one man that controls them to fight over oil fields, established countries, government, etc. Some effects are actually very cool at times and other times, well you know it’s Empire Pictures… But a great movie that takes you back to your childhood watching shit on HBO on an early Saturday morning before cartoons came on. I give this DVD 3 stars.

The Midnight Meat Train (Theater) – Clive Barker’s latest creation but he did not direct, is based on one his early stories about a photographer who becomes obsessed with a man who looks like a professional business man and rides the subway after midnight in New York. His obsession grows when he sees people who get on the subway with this professional looking man and they are reported missing. The photographer follows him everywhere until it consumes his own life and finds out he isn’t your normal run of the mill serial killer and by then it’s too late. Once again, Barker and company make a horror film that is weird, different, and goes against the grain of Hollywood. Not as nearly as much blood as I thought there would be but this film declares Clive Barker is back in my opinion and he is going to produce films he wants horror fans to see and not what studios want to ruin? I give this excellent flick 3 stars.

Dragon Wars (DVD) – Ancient dragons awaken every 500 years to seek out a woman who is in her 20th year and must eat her in order to shift the balance of good and evil in the universe and become apart of the great ancient dragon gods. A fantasy film that is worth watching if there isn’t much on TV that day but a need to see film just because it has the great Robert (Alligator) Forrester and famous Pittsburgh comedian Billy Cardell. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Fury of the Werewolf (DVD) – The legendary Paul Naschy is killed by a Sasquatch/Yeti thing and his hot female lead brings him back to life only for him to change into a werewolf and terrorize everyone around him. I give it 2 stars.

The Lost Boys: The Tribe (DVD) – Its twenty years later and apparently vampires still rule the west coast. Two siblings arrive at their aunt’s house looking for a new life after their lives go downhill the past few years since their parents’ death. Of course both get mixed up with some surfers who are actually vampires and rule the beaches and the head vampire happens to be an idol of the older male sibling. It’s up to the aging ‘Frog brother’ Corey Feldman as Edgar Frog to help take down these surfing vampires before it’s too late. By no fucking way is this film going to be a cult horror hit like the 1987 film. The movie had a lot of potential but is a very obviously rushed project and not being shot in the same location affected the look and feel of this film as it seem like it lost something with it not being shot in California. Hey, it could be me being twenty years older and loving the original film so much or it could be the sequel came too many years too late? Whatever the reason is, if you are not a horror fan and happen to watch the film more than likely you will be lost? The film seems to leave a lot of minor plotlines unexplained for no reason at all with a lot of filler in-between scenes that will leave most “Lost Boys” fans asking a lot of questions instead of enjoying what should have been a cool, hip, generational vampire film. This film could have been so much more if the right director was involved and the right people were in charge and understood the allure of the first film. I fear the editor fucked up a lot of the film but that wasn’t the only major problem with the film (script anyone?). The DVD contains a couple alternate endings, a deleted scene, and a few music videos you’ll never watch as I give this somewhat disappointing sequel 2 stars.

Mother of Tears (Theater) – The latest Dario Argento ‘Eye-talian’ flick that stars Asia Argento as curator at a museum where she and a friend notice an odd box that happen to be dug up with a witch from 1815 and was sent to their museum to be checked out as it is feared to be something that could start the ‘end of the world’. They open the box and a few mean ass monsters in robes rip apart Asia’s friend and then Asia is on the run trying to figure out why evil forces are chasing her and why everyone in Rome has gone ape shit crazy. A dark film with lots of children being killed, Udo Kier playing a priest of course, blood and gore by the gallon, and the end of the world that looks like a bunch of hot naked women running around in catacombs, which is not a bad thing personally… But anyway I give this film 2 ½ stars, I still love “Suspiria” personally.

Invasion USA (DVD) – “More Chuck for your Buck!” Chuck Norris stars in one of his best films ever along with Richard Lynch playing the ultimate bad guy who wants to kill Chuck and attack the US on US soil! And I cannot forget Billy Drago plays a drug dealer in a small part of the film. But anyway Richard Lynch plays a Soviet terrorist hell bent on attacking America and only Chuck Norris can find him and put a stop to his terrorist activities! Chuck Norris, action film, lots of guns and violence… 3 ½ stars!

Poutrygeist was also reviewed but being saved for a Bastards press release that is going to be up on www.bastardsofhorror.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase any of my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Gross Movie Reviews #133
By Tim Gross

Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (DVD) – Third in the series of a million which is awesome… has two kids that are adopted from ‘evil’ Gatlin, Nebraska and are forced to adapt to their new city life. One kid accepts the new surroundings while the other begins to grow the evil corn in an abandon building and gathers the local kids to start an uprising against the adults! Not a bad, but interesting horror film for being third in the series and direct-to-video and if that doesn’t get you it’s a must watch just to see a pre-Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series Nicholas Brendan and I think in a uncredited role Charlize Thereon? I give the movie 2 stars.

The Dead Pit (DVD) – Finally… “The… Dead… Pit…” can be seen by millions and millions of horror nerds in its unrated beauty! Code Red did a wonderful job of getting this DVD out. For those who never been blessed with watching this classic 80s horror film about a doctor who likes to perform experiments on mental patients. His partner finds out about him and kills him! Then buries him with his patients. Twenty years later, a woman who is a Jane Doe, shows up and the evil doctor rises from the dead to kill patients again… Movie is filled with great gore scenes and is a really cool horror film for a time in the late 80s it seemed horror was beginning to die a little. I give this ‘must own’ classic 3 ½ stars.

Camp Blood (DVD) – A very low budget production from some filmmakers who are “Friday the 13th” fans decide to make a movie about a clown masked killer in the woods. Cheap but a fun movie as you sift through the crap that you would call the first half of the film and finally the second half you get to see people getting killed off one by one until there is one survivor and the killer is the twist in the story. Can be lame at times but fun to drink beer and watch a film from the great Brad “The Zombie Chronicles is a big piece of shit” Sykes as I give it 1 ½ stars and can be found through www.razordigitalent.com .

Camp Blood 2 (DVD) – A low budget sequel this time around has a filmmaker search out the lone survivor from the first “Camp Blood” to oversee his vision of her story of what actually happen. Of course he wants blood and boobs which we get and it is worth it because all I can say is nipple rings! Who knows what else happens in the rest of the fucking movie, all I could see for a day was nipple rings! Somebody else dresses up as the masked clown killer and begins the killing spree again, nada, nada, nada, nipple rings! I give it 2 stars and can be found at www.razordigitalent.com .

Within the Woods (DVD) – Actually the third movie in the “Camp Blood” series but with a different title like the great horror film, “Slumber Party Massacre 4 aka Cheerleader Massacre”. This time around the clown masked killer shows up to ruin the reality show that is taken place on the holy killing ground of “Camp Blood” and killing everyone who is there for the show including the fake killer! Interesting concept, but very hard to pull off on such a slim budget… I give this flick 1 star and can be found at www.razordigitalent.com .

Bloody Birthday (DVD) – A slick horror flick from 1981 that sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of all the cool flicks out at that time? But this horror flick is about three kids that are ten years old and born during an eclipse in June 1970. They were born to not give a rat shit and think up evil fucked up ways to kill their classmates, teacher, babysitter, parents, the horror never ends? It’s B-movie greatness… A must see for any fan of horror films! I give this cool flick 3 stars.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe (Theater) – Yeah, I heard the early reviews: ‘It misses the spot’ or ‘Not that good’. Fuck you all! I loved that the film was a film for the hardcore fans of the TV show. It not only progressed the storyline from six years ago but gave the franchise some closure in case there is not another ‘X-Files’ film. The film is about the FBI seeking Mulder’s help in a strange case of a possible serial killer and an ex-priest that is having visions of where a body part, a missing woman, etc. are at but not be able to see everything like who did it? Mulder at the pushing of Scully, decides to help the FBI but gets more involved then he can ever believe. Maybe the film did take too long too get out and maybe there isn’t enough geeks out there to support it as they have moved on to other shows or series but I believe this film is an excellent sci-fi film that does not come around too often these days. Go give the movie a try as I give it 3 stars.

Anaconda 3 (DVD/Sci-fi Channel) – 100 foot CGI snake versus David Haselhoff, 3 stars of B-movie goodness!

Black Caesar (VHS) – A great exploitation flick starring Fred Williamson as a black man who worked his way up through the prison system and gets out with one goal in mind to over throw the man who has been pushing around black people for way too long and take over Harlem! A cool kick ass flick with one cool ass movie soundtrack done by the legendary James Brown. The film is a great introduction into “blaxploitation” films (as it once was called) and one the best films that represent what the 70s were all about. I give the movie 4 stars.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase any of my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Gross Movie Reviews #132
By Tim Gross

Welcome to another rounded mess that I have written… As the heat is becoming a bitch this summer it is just a reminder that you need to rent some cool cheesy flicks!

The Dead Hate the Living! (VHS) – A low budget zombie film from Dave Parker who seems to be hated by some horror film fans for making this “Full Moon” trash in 1999. Love it… Hate it… It was something different at the time it came out as two best friends who grew up watching Fulci and Romero films set out to make the ultimate no budget zombie film in abandon asylum where of course they broke into. After finding a mysterious video of a man claiming to be a scientist getting attacked by some monster and finding his corpse in the basement in a strange coffin, the two friends kick it up a little with using a real dead guy for their horror film. Next thing you know they open the gate to hell and references to “The Beyond” among other Fulci classics are thrown out there with every other line of dialogue. Personally, I enjoyed the film except for its very shitty CGI ending as it pays homage somewhat or in some weird way to the “The Beyond”. Lots of blood, lots of hot girls, low budget film from “Full Moon Pictures”, I give it 3 stars and a must rent even if you hate it. Also available on DVD… for you non-VHS fans.

The X-Files: Season Three (DVD) – This season of the popular cult TV series made it go from cult status to mainstream as everybody was wondering if there was really aliens out there on Friday nights! This season of “The X-Files” went in so many directions but went much deeper into the alien/government conspiracy more than any other season and expanded the mythology of what’s truly out there with even going as far as making fun of itself to having a serious episode with Peter Boyle as a life insurance salesman who can tell you how you will die and when. The usual suspects: Smoking Man, The Lone Gunmen, X, the alien bounty hunter played by horror genre favorite Brian Thompson all make their presence known. Along for the ride was even Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura and Alex Trebeck make an appearance as the “men in black”. The season opens with a “to be continued…” episode and ends with one leaving you asking the main question “where exactly did the black oil come from?” Some fans argue this was the best season of episodes out of the series, I tend to agree to disagree but a very entertaining box set for any kind of fan of the show as I give it 3 ½ stars.

The Cars That Ate Paris (VHS) – A fucked up, independent, oddball sort of film from Peter Weir in the mid-70s where young men in wrecked cars run people off the road who come near the small town of Paris. Very odd, but worth watching just for the few bloody as hell car accidents. I give it 2 stars.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (Theater) – The comic book hero mostly known as “RED” is back and fights elementals, ogres, and the ancients for the fate of earth. The film is above and beyond visually stunning and beautiful but fails to be better or worse for that matter than the first film. The film is very entertaining, expands the story of Hellboy and its characters but plays out more like a warm up film to something greater on the horizon in the series. But shit, Hellboy is a very interesting character and still has lots of stories to be told as I will be looking forward to them as I give it 3 stars.

Dolly Dearest (VHS) – Who would have guessed? A killer doll movie where the doll just happens to be possessed by an ancient devil baby! Not original by any means but a very enjoyable shitty horror movie that is worth another look by you “Child’s Play” fans? If that doesn’t make you want to watch it, how about Rip ‘fuckin’ Torn as one of the heroes of the shitty film… I fucking love shit like this as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Ghouls (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – A war between ghouls and druids are taking place… Wait! The movie sucks donkey shit! The hot girl in it doesn’t even show cleavage for the love of god! The only fucking real redeeming thing of the film is when the ghouls become solid form and they look kick ass. Other than that, trash it and move on! I give the movie ½ star.

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (DVD) – Ok, the movie opens up on a cheesy movie set where an evil doll named “shit-for-brains” and others are brought to life by Satan to kill a fat, middle-aged, virgin! Buy it! Anyhow, the sultry and beautiful Michelle Bauer brings in her baked goods into Cheatum Studios back lot where they are filming ‘Tiny Terrors 9’. And yes, the Gingerdead man is alive and well with no back-story on his return and hanging out in the baked good box waiting for a chance to rein his terror on unsuspecting actors, directors, and make-up men all for a chance to be human again. The movie makes fun of Full Moon films, the fans, and the genre period in all good classic B-movie fun. This film is so bad it’s great! The movie is packed with sub-par filmmaking, great gore shots, and appearances by John Carl Buechler, Greg (KNB) Nicotero, Greg’s brother Frank, a killer gingerbread cookie, and the producers are William Butler and Charles Band, what else in the world could you ask for in a “Full Moon” flick? The DVD itself does not have much in extras which is sort of unusual for a Charles Band production but it still deserves 3 ½ stars.

William Shatner’s Full Moon Fright! Presents ‘Vampire Journals’ (DVD) – Who gives a blue fuck if you seen the movie and hated it or already own like I do? This DVD is an experience in itself as this was part of an experiment for the Sci-fi Channel a few years back on Saturday nights at 11pm where they had William Shatner host “Full Moon” films on his own show where he not only did skits in between commercials but interviewed some cool people after the flick was done. It was like a modern day “Monstervision” but with the whacked out William Shatner! All you have to do is push play and watch it all the through and you get the whole experience as people should buy this DVD and have parties watching it as it is an experience that all horror fans need to witness. It’s cheesy, its bad, it makes no sense, but its fun as hell to watch a great train wreck as I give this great DVD that has an interview with Stan Lee 4 stars.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase any of my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Gross Movie Reviews #131
By Tim Gross

In the spirit of the 4th of July make sure you watch your copy of “Uncle Sam”, a cool slasher film with ‘Uncle Sam’ as the killer!

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets (DVD) – Nic Cage reprises his role as the venturing American historian who believes one of his relatives is in question in the death of the 16th president, Lincoln. Ed Harris plays a character that happens to have a certain piece of paper from 1863, that questions who really shot Lincoln and why?! Pretty cool adventure this time around as its Cage and friends against the world as Nic Cage kidnaps the president to find out certain information about Lincoln that also sets up an interesting storyline for a possible third film. The movie itself comes across as a crossbreed of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft but a great alternative for some of Nic Cage’s abominations he has been apart of the past 20 years. I give the film 3 stars and worth the rent.

Zombie Farm (DVD) – Terrorists poison the water of a small farming town that eventually turns the small town into flesh-eating ghouls and all is left is a couple FBI agents and a couple people who haven’t drank the water left to fend for themselves. With the town already quarantined and the military given the orders to kill anything that isn’t military the odds of the survivors is very slim in this low budget gorefest! The low budget zombie flick is a fun gorefest to watch and tries to keep a few laughs in to keep the film well-paced especially with the cannibal farmer characters before they even turn into zombies. But again the CGI gunshots are horrible people as I give the movie 2 ½ stars and you can check out more about the movie at www.zombiefarmmovie.com .

There’s a Werewolf in My Attic! (DVD) – A short film about a couple who are vegan and buy a house cheap and later find out that a werewolf that looks like a combination of “Star Wars” Chewy and Dee Wallace’s transformation at the end of “The Howling” is living in their attic. Not to mention the werewolf doesn’t eat flesh or raw meat but trail mix. The movie is funny, pokes fun at vegans a little, and a very entertaining 16 minutes as I give it 3 stars and can be found at www.sbtfilms.com .

Urine Trouble (DVD) – A 10 minute short film about urinal cakes (you know the pink things in the toilets at bars) that attack and eat a man then a couple who go to check on him. Lots of blood and funny as fuck! I give it 3 ½ stars and can be found at www.sbtfilms.com .

Copperhead (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – Computer-generated snakes attack a small town in the old west that is full of outlaws including genre favorite Billy Drago! Very cheesy and boring at times but watchable, I guess… I give it 1 ½ stars.

Doomed to Consume (DVD) – An entertaining low budget gorefest about survivors a week or so after an air-borne virus has turned a small town into zombies. The film is pretty much about what is the next move for the survivors as they all eventually become zombie food. Again, shitty CGI gunshots hinder the low budget zombie fest but it does have a cameo appearance by writer Joe Knetter as a zombie at a gas station. I give the movie 2 stars and can be found at www.nftsproductions.com or www.myspace.com/nfts .

Death on Demand (DVD) – A couple college kids rent out a house on Halloween night that is described as being haunted because of a man killing his family Thanksgiving night after he was found bloody and crazed after a mountain climbing expedition and then killed himself. The college kids think the house is a great place to hold their contest that will be broadcasted on the internet of three couples who are trying to survive the night and make $5,000! An entertaining slasher film that has elements of “Night of the Demons” and “Halloween 8: The Resurrection” only ‘Death on Demand’ is a much better film than “Halloween 8” and doesn’t have shitty cast that includes Busta-Rhymes! What separates this modern slasher from most independent features is this has some great kill scenes and effects to back it up plus a great funny sex scene between a guy who might be gay, might not and a porn star who feeds him generic Viagra… It’s independent, plays to its strengths, and has boobs, a couple gallons of blood, and an ending that I like. I give the movie 3 stars and a must watch as you can find it at www.mtivideo.com .

Firehead (DVD) – A Russian cyborg travels to America to stop missiles from being built by a dark government within our own American government. Did I happen to mention the cyborg can shoot shit from eyes too? A classic B-grade sci-fi flick from 1988 that has a cameo appearance by Martin Landau as a retired military scientist. I give the film 1 ½ stars and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Space Mutiny (DVD) – A very bad, but very funny B-movie that was on the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” TV show at some point during its run. The space movie starts off with scenes of spaceships gun fighting that look like the production crew stole the left over ships on strings from the TV show “Battlestar Galactica” and use computer graphics from a Commodore 64 to show you what’s going on. Then you have some bad hula hoop disco dance thing going on with a lot of slow bumper car racing with generic bazookas and lazerguns. This shit is cheesy, bad, and a lot of fun to watch. This movie is must have for those who don’t need a plot, like to drink beer while watching, or just smoke pot and why is there Astroturf for grass in a garden that is on a spaceship! I give it 3 ½ stars just for not hiding the fact of how much a B-movie it is and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

THE FULL MOON 4TH OF JULY MOVIE EXPLOSION!!!
AT WWW.FULLMOONDIRECT.COM!!!

THIS AMAZING SALE WILL TAKE PLACE ON THE 4th OF JULY ONLY – MIDNIGHT TO MIDNIGHT – PST TIME. IT’S GOING TO BE AN OUT-OF-CONTROL INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! WITH MANY NEW ITEMS AVAILABLE FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THE 4TH AND AMAZING BLOW OUT SALES, INCLUDING:

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Gross Movie Reviews #130

By Tim Gross

“I’ll see you at Horrorhound Weekend in Pittsburgh!”

I Know Who Killed Me (DVD) – The real question should be, “Do we care?” I stayed away from this just because it starred former Disney teen idol ‘Lindsay Lohan’. Unless she is going into porn I care less, but I figured she suppose to be a stripper in this film and figured I’d give it a chance. Shit! If it looks like shit, if she acts like shit, and the script is shit, it must be a big steamy pile of donkey shit! Fuck, I haven’t seen such a horrible movie since the remake of “The House on Haunted Hill”. Hell, it was so bad when she goes for her big sex scene they even made sure you couldn’t see the essentials… WTF? But anyhow, if suicide seems not cruel enough, watch this crap as I give it 0 stars.

Slashing Prices (DVD-R) – Rick and the DSK crew are back with a film that goes back to the basics. The real basics of a slasher film where the killer couldn’t afford a mask so he wears a plastic bag to protect his identity. After a customer is burned by acid in a CD/movie store run by aging semi-rock star John Legionare, customers begin to disappear one by one without the two retards who work there ever noticing as they are worried about watching ‘two girls, one cup’ on you tube! The movie seems a little slow through the first twenty minutes but the jokes and the murders start to fly after that. Filled with lots of blood and the usual fun you expect from Rick and the DSK crew which the biggest highlight of the film is ‘Ace’ playing the John Legionare character and he is so obsessed with the disc buffer machine that he begins to use it on his penis and gets caught doing it, and continues to keep going! Funny shit people! The great thing about this DVD is the FX extra that takes you into the world of DSK and what it took to get the effects to look the way they looked on film. The movie might have had no budget or less but a lot of inventive and smart thinking went into what they wanted for the film. This segment is something a lot of independent filmmakers and movie fans out there should take note as this is one of the best extras on a DVD I ever seen! I give the DVD 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.dsk-productions.com .

Student Bodies (DVD) – A horror film first released in 1981 and was never seen again except through video trading in the 80s and bootlegs has finally seen DVD. It is a fun horror/comedy that spoofs pretty much every slasher film in the past two years before it. A slasher film that all horror fans need to buy and watch but not for the mainstream “Scary Movie” crowd in opinion. I give the classic 3 stars.

Prom Night (DVD/remake) – A remake of a so-so slasher film that starred Jamie Lee Curtis that stars no one this time around and pretty much plays out in the first ten minutes and you hate yourself for watching it. Be warned, it sucks worse than being forced to watch 12 hours straight of “Gilmore Girls”! I give it 0 stars.

Prey of the Jaguar (DVD) – The film stars Stacy Keach and Linda Blair and that’s where anything good about the movie ends. The movie is about a man whose family is killed by drug dealers and he becomes a generic superhero to get revenge on them in a plot that sucks large gorilla nuts! I give it a ½ star and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Conspiracy of Fear (DVD) – A government scientist is murdered by an assassin who is believed to have information on an Anti-virus and his son becomes involved when it isn’t found. Before the son is killed by the same assassin he is saved by a pretty girl who happens to be a car thief and becomes involved when the police find out the CIA is involved looking for the son. The movie plays out like sub-par love story/thriller but worth the rental fee if there is nothing else on the new release shelf that day. I give the DVD 2 stars and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me at Pittsburgh’s Horrorhound Weekend June 20th-22nd, 2008… and for more details go to www.horrorhoundweekend.com

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Gross Movie Reviews #129

By Tim Gross 

Happy “Friday the 13^th” this week folks! 

 

 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Theater) – Almost 20 years later Harrison Ford returns to the role that made him famous (besides Star Wars) as the adventurous archeologist named Dr. Indy Jones. No Germans this time around as the main villains are the Russians as the story takes place now in the mid 50s where the Russians have kidnapped Dr. Jones and have broke into the infamous ‘Area 51’ to retrieve something that has very supernatural and paranormal powers to it and help them find ‘the kingdom of the crystal skull’ and become leaders of the entire world. But with Dr. Jones around he will just not let that happen even being 20 years older. Dr. Jones is found by a young man after he escapes the Russians to get Jones to help him rescue his mother ‘Maryann’ played by none other Karen Allen. Let’s be honest, is this Jones adventure better the first three… No. But this movie still holds its own by moving the Jones storyline 20 years ahead as it should and having the character Dr. Jones realize he isn’t a young man by far anymore but he is wiser and the film is just so action-packed that an OCD kid would get dizzy. I believe with the success of the film we will see another Spielberg classic in two or three years, hopefully? I give this great adventure 3 stars and a must see for any movie fan!

 

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (DVD) – Holy shit, somebody or some people are bigger losers than I! The film is a documentary on how video game high scores have been documented the past 25 years and how the original teenagers that conquered the arcade games back in the early 80s and where they are at now. Now, I enjoy video games as most people do but these people take to the extreme. But the beauty of the film is how there is these originals who conquered the arcade games and 25 years later some unknown gamer comes along and beats the high score of Donkey Kong. Its funny, but sad in a lot of ways as the film documents how the original champ will go to any lengths to protect his high score including sporting the same mullet he had back in 1982! By the end of the film you are hoping the original Donkey Kong champ ‘Billy Mitchell’ I think his name was, gets his dick eaten off by a hungry warthog! And you begin to cheer for this unknown gamer who gains all the respect of the top gamers in the world by the end of the film! You enjoyed Pac-Man, get geeky for Dig Dug, you get a chubby for Galaga, this is the perfect film for you and friends as I give this film 3 ½ stars.

 

The Andromeda Strain (DVD/A&E/remake) – A&E channel decided to remake the 70s killer virus film with the kid from “Silver Spoons” and that cop from “Law & Order” who star as scientists in it. The remake is interesting 3 hours but nothing much better or worse than the original. Got time to kill this is the film to see, if not and something better; move on as I give it 2 stars.

 

Heatstroke (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – D. B. Sweeney stars as a military scientist in Hawaii looking for aliens and keeps crossing paths with the ultra hot and all grown-up ‘Winnie’ from “The Wonder Years” TV series. The movie is shitty plain and simple but does have ‘Winnie’ running around in a belly shirt or a bikini often which makes the film slightly less shitty… I give it 1 star.

 

Craig (DVD) – A low budget independent film that was partially filmed in New York and mostly shot in Denmark by filmmaker Kim Sonderholm is about a man who slowly slips into his own madness. The film’s main character, ‘Craig’ is having trouble getting on with his life six months after his parents die in a fire. Can’t get a date, can’t get a life, and his married friend goes drinking with him just so he can pick up other women. As the movie progresses ‘Craig’ struggles with what is reality and what is a dream as he has violent dreams of himself killing people, which makes you wonder was he already completely mad and just didn’t know it? The movie is excellent… I really enjoyed how it was shot and the use of locations for the film’s scenes was awesome. The film is a slight reminder of such films “Henry” and “Rampage” but stands on its own as film about a fictional serial killer. Kim did a great job of building up suspense which most low budget filmmakers have trouble with. I enjoyed this film a lot and I’m sure it will be on my list best independent films of the year as I give it 3 stars and you can find out more about it at www.craigthemovie.com and also available through www.amazon.com .

 

The Horror Vault (DVD) – Sort of anthology, but more of an assortment of horror short films put together on one disc and produced by Kim Sonderholm who also has two short films on the disc. The names of the short films are “when john met julia” (excellent), “Delusion”, “Alone”, “Dead to the World”, “Mental Distortion”, “Disconnected”, “The Demon”, “Echoes”, and “Retina”. Most are very good including the first short film and the other short film that is about a man not paying his cable bill. It’s an excellent collection of short films that needs to be seen as I give it 3 stars. You can find out more about it at www.thehorrorvault.net and also available through www.amazon.com .

  

The Road Warrior (DVD) – One coolest if not the best post-apocalyptic film ever made, hands down! This movie pretty much started the whole sub-genre of post-apocalyptic films being made in Hollywood and around the world. Mel Gibson reprises his role in this sequel/non-sequel to the film that made him famous three years earlier “Mad Max”. He pretty much has maybe one page of lines to memorize but his actions as the burnt out ‘road warrior’ and his kick ass fast black ‘interceptor’ is all you need to see or hear as you watch. The film is like one big violent car chase as the race for fuel is on and the world has been laid to waste and is overrunned by warlords! There are some peaceful people who have been able to make fuel again but want to leave the wastelands. The problem is an evil warlord of the roads named “Humungous” wants the fuel and violence will not let them leave peacefully. And that is where “Mad Max” comes in… It is a movie that goes full speed like no other and leaves you wanting more after it ends. Its ashame the series was disgraced by the Thunderdome sequel but with some talk about a possible “Mad Max 4” and Mel looking to be seen as a top actor once more, I think fans will get the sequel they always wanted. I give the non-extra filled DVD 4 stars but keep wishing for a special extra filled edition someday!

 

The Voyage (VHS/USA Network) – The man, the myth, the legend, Rutger Hauer stars with Karen Allen as a couple who go to their 20^th high school reunion and meet up with an old friend Eric Roberts and his young wife who go sailing along the coast of Italy and Eric Roberts only has evil intentions. Somewhat like the thriller “Dead Calm” most the film takes place on the boat as Rutger most defend himself and his wife if they want to make off the boat alive! Fun movie to watch just because of Rutger Hauer as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Rise: Blood Hunter (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – A Ghost House Picture production that stars Lucy Lu as a vampire looking for revenge on who made her a vampire. A cameo appearance by Robert Forrester and good amount of blood spillage are the highlights but not enough to save this vampire film from sucking as it pretty much put me to sleep halfway through. I give the movie 1 ½ stars.

 

Boondock Saints (DVD) – Two Irish men just trying to have a good time at their local bar on St. Patrick’s Day get intruded on by a couple of Russian Syndicate guys and that’s where the fun begins. They beat their asses and take their guns and money. They have this weird dream believing god told them to kill off all the mobsters in town and they eventually become heroes to the common man as they are doing more than the Boston Police Department is. The film also has William Dafoe who puts on a crazy but beautiful performance as a great FBI agent searching for the two Irish men and wants to know why they are doing what they are doing. The movie is action-packed, violent, and funny as hell as I give it 3 ½ stars just for the cat who gets shot to pieces by accident as I almost pissed myself laughing!

 Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive……… Don’t forget to catch me at Pittsburgh’s Horrorhound Weekend June 20^th-22^nd, 2008… and for more details go to www.horrorhoundweekend.com  

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

 

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

 

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

 

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

 

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Gross Movie Reviews #128

By Tim Gross 

“See sir, she has a cathead! That’s why the guys call her ‘meow mix’. But I don’t sir…” – The Monster Squad 

Future Force (DVD) – A low budget movie starring the legendary David Carradine as a bounty hunter named John Tucker in the not so distant future of 1991, I think they said it was, as the movie was made in 1989. The major cities now use bounty hunters as their C.O.P.S. to solve their crimes. It’s a horribly great science fiction film that for the most part has David Carradine shooting people with this robotic glove. I give the DVD 2 stars and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

 

Future Zone (DVD) – The sequel to “Future Force” made a year later with David Carradine reprising his role of John Tucker who gets in some trouble and he is helped by his time-traveling son. Look for Charles Napier as the city mayor in this low budget science fiction film that I also give 2 stars and is available at www.echobridgehe.com .

 

Sugar Hill (VHS) – A 70s exploitation flick that has a beautiful woman named Ms. Sugar Hill whose man gets killed because he is not willing to sell his nightclub. Of course Ms. Hill doesn’t take this lying down and goes to see her grandma who happens to be a witch and helps her use voodoo to contact a dead man named ‘Baron Zombie’ to help her seek revenge against those who killed her man. Very cool 70s flick as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Hive (DVD) – A shitty fucking movie about killer ants in Southeast Asia that I give 0 stars. How do you fuck up a movie about killer ants?

 

Blood Monkey (DVD/Sci-fi Channel) – A scientist entices some college students to explore and learn about an uncharted jungle. Problem is ‘the missing link’ is running around and killing everybody that enters this part of the uncharted jungle. Cool kill scenes and a believable ending are the highlights and make the movie worth the rental fee as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Hamiltons (DVD) – A cool entry from the “2006 After Dark Horrorfest” that is about a family that struggles with its blood drinking disease and how they can be accepted in society. The film is interesting, creepy, depressing, bloody, otherwise a really cool fucking film about a family of vampires who don’t obey the usual vampire movie rules and as they are trying to find a place to fit in after their parents die and they have to move from their farmhouse and learn how to survive. My tagline for the film is ‘The family that slays together stays together”. Another excellent horror film from the “After Dark Horrorfest” that gives hope to all horror fans that there are still cool horror films that make it into the theater and DVD with a little help. I give the DVD 4 stars and a must own!

 Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive……… Don’t forget to catch me at Pittsburgh’s Horrorhound Weekend June 20^th-22^nd, 2008… and for more details go to www.horrorhoundweekend.com  

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

 

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

 

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

 

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

 

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Go check out the book links and purchase a copy of my books. You will not be disappointed… 

Volume Three

http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

 

Volume Two Red Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

 

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

 

Volume One

http://www.lulu.com/content/265208