Gross Movie Reviews #181
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010Gross Movie Reviews #181
By Tim Gross
Â
Remarkable Power (DVD) – A very funny comedy about SNL vet Kevin Nealon who plays a news anchor whose late night talk show is about to be canceled and his wife is cheating on him with a high profile baseball player. Meanwhile, Tom Arnold plays a PI who is investigating Nealon’s cheating spouse but while on another case he stumbles upon another man who is accidentally murdered who happens to be an actor in this infomercial that this college kid believes and buys the tapes that everyone knows don’t work. Eventually the story becomes all apart of one big scam for Nealon to get back his late night talk show. The film also stars great comedian actors Dule Hill and Christopher Titus. This will be one of those must rent films on a rainy day as I give it 3 stars and can be found at www.mtivideo.com .
The Caretaker (DVD) – This so-called scary modern day slasher film is just one big shitfest! High school kids take their dates to a supposedly haunted house in the middle of nowhere where a legend of a gardener went completely nuts and chained his wife to the floor of her bedroom and basically banged her when he felt like it and they had a kid. Of course 16 years later where the high school kids are trying to get laid by telling the lame story of the legend. Which happens to be true (who would have guessed) as “The Caretaker†begins to kill the kids one by one. Judd Nelson and Jennifer Tilly make brief appearances but it’s a wonder why they did at all as they added no value to this so-called slasher flick. About the only good thing about the whole crappy film was the girlfriend of a drug dealer who showed up early to set up things to scare the guy’s dates. She gets naked and begins to bounce around an empty room of the haunted house which is just delightful until she dies and the film becomes a lame piece of shit again with an ending that leaves it open for a sequel. Which hopefully this never happens as this might be one of the worst films you will have to endure in 2010! I give it 0 stars and can be found www.mtivideo.com .
Alone in the Dark II (DVD) – No Christian Slater, no hot piece of ass Tara Reid, but we do have Uwe Boll back as a producer trying to squeeze out more money out of the turd the first film was. Why would you want to watch the sequel to a very horrible turd? Well, a woman and her father are trying to put a ghost witch back where she belongs before she kills her whole family. Not exactly exciting but what makes the film interesting and at least worth taking a peek at is that the film stars Bill Moseley as the father of the woman that the ghost witch is looking for, Michael Pare making a brief appearance as a commando who stole a cursed knife, Lance Henriksen as a retired cult member (sort of) with P.J. Soles playing his wife, and Danny Trejo hangs around enough to get a few lines just for the mere reason of namesake. Its better than the first (sort of), but the problem is no matter how much you shine up a turd, its still going to be a turd unless Tara Reid would have been topless banging somebody again!? I give it 1 star.
Saw VI (DVD) – The story continues and ends possibly? For those Saw fans that are still interested, the story dives more into the character of Detective Hoffman who has taken over for Tobin Bell’s job as Jigsaw. But hey this is the Saw series and they were still able to get Tobin Bell in it again along with Shawnee Smith further explaining how he did everything with everybody’s help within a certain impossible time frame. This film seems to be made only to a squeeze the series to the last drop (fan’s money), and possibly put an end to it as the way the film ends everything seem to come full circle as Jigsaw somehow was wronged by half of the city through six films! The film’s only element of surprise or reason to watch was to see how much gore they are going to be allowed to get away with using some impossible trap some guy in the black plague era came up with? But in case you are as demented as me, “BRING ME SAW VII in 3 F’N D… I don’t care if the series continues with Jigsaw or not I just want to see how many dumb asses are going to still pitch $10 to see it opening weekend while I watch it for free a couple months later! I give it 1 star.
It’s Alive! (DVD) – It’s pure B-movie crap like this that makes you wonder who came up with this shit. Its 1969 and a couple are driving down a long stretch of road and they need gas. They come upon a farm where a man has like somekind of weird animal attractions and he is willing to help as long as they walk into this dark cave and be locked up with an ancient plastic suited monster that was clearly trying to rip off “Creature from the Black Lagoon†that will eat them! Oh the sanity! It’s horrible, it’s bad, and its fun to watch drunk. I give this B-classic 1 star.
Masters of Horror: The Black Cat (DVD) – Stuart Gordon and Jeffery Combs are at again as they bring to life one of Edgar A. Poe’s famous stories “The Black Catâ€. The film is just down right brilliant! They worked with the source material and came up with a perfect hour movie that is beautiful. And it was very scary how much Mr. Combs looked like Edgar A. Poe! I give it 4 stars and a must have.
Boy Eats Girl (DVD) – A fun Irish zombie flick that puts their own spin on the zombie genre with an Irish love story between two teenagers. One alive and one undead! Boy likes girl, boy scared to ask girl out, girl likes boy, boy finally gets nerve up to ask girl, she no shows, he commits suicide by accident and his mom brings him back to life… And hilarity ensues. As the days pass the boy becomes hungry for flesh but has one problem he bit the school bully and the bully has been feasting on the student body and now zombies are everywhere attacking. It’s bloody, its Irish, and it’s entertaining as hell. Another great zombie flick from overseas as I give it 3 ½ stars.
The Heroin Busters (DVD) – An Italian exploitation flick from the 70’s where an undercover cop is brought into a Italian city where a major portion of the world’s heroin is passing through the city and its up to him to stop it now before it continues to go global! Awesome flick with lots of violence and some nudity and takes you back to a simpler time of when action flicks fuckin ruled! I give it 3 stars.
Lost City Raiders (DVD) – Its 204? Something and the world have pretty much gone the way of Kevin Costner’s “Waterworld†with the oceans still rising. James Brolin and his two sons are on a treasure hunt for the Vatican to find a scepter that could fix the earth as they know it. With its limited budget the film does its best to keep you interested in a world being destroyed by rising oceans and a real estate man who only cares about himself getting the scepter to rule the “Waterworldâ€. I give it 1 ½ stars.
April Fool’s Day (DVD/remake) – If you are into rich people pulling pranks on themselves until they eventually kill one member then you’ll enjoy this dumb ass, retarded so called film that only used the title of the 80’s classic to make money even though the studio showed no faith in the film by sending it straight-to-DVD-hell! But you know they are trying to revise it and not trying to remake it? You know how it is because Hollywood and most of the directors refuse to have any kind of original thought along with the major studios. The movie sucks turds out of a dog’s ass! I felt like my I.Q. dropped for just trying to watch this horrible so-called film which by the way is an insult to the original. But that’s right Hollywood you are just trying to give today’s generation great horror films like this huge shitbomb that had no business being made. Not even the strangely hot Scout Taylor-Compton could save this flick. Just like most horror remakes (except The Thing and The Fly) this DVD needs to be thrown to the floor in the video store and set fire too until there is only ash left then burn it again! This film is a train wreck, not any kind of train wreck but the kind that has you watching in pure disgust like watching a fat woman getting her belly button pierced or a fat guy getting his nipples pierced because they think they are hot. Then of course afterward you are left with that feeling in your stomach like puke is going to come out of your ass! It deserves no stars, not even negative stars it just sucks ass that bad, I rather pierce my nutsack with a Spork than be forced to watch this film again!
Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . If you want to help support my movie habits please buy a book for the love of god. Also you can purchase any of my five “Gross Movie Reviews†books at www.lulu.com. You can also find other shit from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com and in the movie review section of the past issues of Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater (unless you are banned for some stupid reason), independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………
If interested in purchasing a copy of my books, just go to www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com and search for Gross Movie Reviews!
